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For some reason I still love her.

by LeaveMeAlone.

During the time we were together I felt more feelings than I had ever felt in my life before. I felt like shit but I also felt amazing. I know that I’m probably not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway… or ready in any other way. I don’t want her to kill herself. I know that I wanted her to hate me. I know that she did. I know that she doesn’t. Why is she the only thing that I can think about again? One minute of her attention makes me feel like I’m in heaven and one minute without it makes me feel even more shit than I usually feel. I don’t want to be codependent again. I don’t understand, why do I still love her, why am I still so obsessed with her? I even feel guilty about it. I hate this feeling…

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LeaveMeAlone. 5/19/2021 - 5:17 pm

Man, I just- Ugh. I can’t stop fucking thinking about her. All the time. I shouldn’t be, she probably doesn’t even care about me. Why the fuck am I doing this? And why do all of my emotions feel so numb? I’m writing this down but deep down, do I really feel like this? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I really? What am I even writing. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t sleep. I don’t feel like eating. I’m too tired to do anything. I’m too scared to open up to anyone. And if I did, I would probably laugh about it too. Because I can’t take anything seriously. I can’t deal with my emotions in any way at all. Not even crying works. I’m so repressed and idk how not to be, I’m fucking constantly depersonalizing and I can barely remember anything at all. How am I supposed to do anything when nothing works? How can I tell anyone what’s wrong when I don’t even remember what the problem is? What is my problem even? I don’t know! I don’t know! I just act like an idiot all the time and do nothing useful for anybody, what could possibly go wrong? I’m seriously a fuck up, and I don’t know how to change myself because by tomorrow I won’t even remember this. It’s just exhausting.

heartlessviking 5/19/2021 - 6:14 pm

Well, as one obsessive personality recognizing himself to another; running is the worst thing to do with that sort of feeling. I get how extreme that feeling is, and despite it being a decade since I visibly moved on, I still every now and then brood over my desire to go back in that direction. Just sit with it, what does it want? Mine is always wanting to fantasize that I married that woman who I cared for so much. Then I think about practicality, what a mess I am, and realize that if I had married her, my obsession would have destroyed both of us.

You can’t unfeel. There is no delete button. There’s just being honest and making time for your feelings, and there is running. It sounds like you want to run, what about this feeling scares you?

LeaveMeAlone. 5/21/2021 - 7:41 pm

The part that scares me is that I don’t know if it’s even real and she also like… she is sick. And I feel like if I involve myself with her she would get worse. I mean, I know how bad she is, she has an episode once every two weeks where she mutilates herself all over her body. And if it wasn’t for the pills she take, she would kill herself instantly. I don’t know how I’m supposed to have any positive influence on her at all. I don’t even know how she feels about me. But the way I feel about her is so overwhelming… It’s just biting at me. The only way that I know to make it stop is by cutting myself. After I cut myself I feel amazing for maybe two days then it gradually starts getting worse and two weeks later my head is completely broken and I can’t think at all. I’m just stuck feeling so many things at once that it feels like I’m not feeling anything. And I don’t know how to process my emotions. Whenever I’m negative, sad, whatever, people just tell me to stop being mad, stop being sad, stop feeling the way that you are feeling right now. I’m not allowed to express myself and I never learned how to anyway. I don’t know if I’m even making sense. It feels like i’m not. I just, I don’t know how to process romantic or sexual feelings in a way that isn’t obsessive. So it just eats at me. And it hurts, mentally, emotionally and physically. I don’t know what to do.

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/19/2021 - 9:58 pm

Women don’t care about you man

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/20/2021 - 8:43 am

That’s a little overstated, not all women will care but there are some that will.

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/20/2021 - 10:00 am

The only things women care about are power money and sex. All one needs to do is go one a dating site to see blatant and overwhelming evidence of this. You could even be a decent looking guy- You look like you don’t have any money? Not a single decent looking chick is going to like your profile. Sure all the fat disgusting wh*res are going to think you’re desperate enough to be with them because you got no money. No money = No bitches. So basically even though you have no money they have nothing else so they see you as something that can improve their situation. Relationships are a matter of personal gain for women.

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/20/2021 - 10:20 am

Look up Romanticism. Literally, look into the roots of Romanticism originating sometime roughly in the 16th century, give or take? It isn’t intrinsically part of man’s nature, it’s just a popular movement and was built into our culture and eventually became unarticulated as part of a set of presuppositions about the world. The notion of romantic love literally wasn’t even part of the equation of marriage for most of recorded history. Everything was different back then. Why do you think kings murdered their own family members; people thought it was okay to marry their cousins? The classical view of the world was based on an entirely different metaphysics, that was totally uncomplicated compared to what we have; the set of presuppositions we have now.

Abnormal.Thoughts 5/20/2021 - 10:33 am

Wow.
A. Dating sites are different because you are judging (getting a first impression) from a profile and not actually meeting the person.
B. You are making men look very shallow.
Not all women marry for riches, power, or money. Maybe you should get out more.

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/20/2021 - 12:30 pm

AKA I can’t discern the capital of a man through a dating profile so my nature comes shining through in a manner that is blaringly obvious

An meaningless ad hominem, then a refutation with no supporting argument followed by an attack on my character

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/20/2021 - 12:51 pm

“Wow”. The only wow here is how people can still remain in the bluepill fantasy world when the matrix is breaking around them. This stuff isn’t even fringe or “incel” ideology anymore, it’s just mainstream knowledge at this point. The birth rate all over the planet is drastically dropping…

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/20/2021 - 12:54 pm

At this point people don’t even need to argue, you can just walk up to a normal ignorant person and pretty much TELL them what’s going on, that’s how obvious it is…

Idfk anymore, I'm just here I guess 5/20/2021 - 1:09 pm

We’re past the beginning stage of a new shift in consciousness, I can see it, a new age of reason to triumph over materialism.

Do you read Dr. Seuss? Good stuff. My favorite is how the Grinch Stole Christmas.

elleInWi 5/20/2021 - 12:43 pm

You cant love someone but also feel like s*** with them. You were comfortable with her no doubt but i dont think its love because u shouldnt be hurting this much. Youve put her up on a pedestal and u dedicate so much thought into her that shes now an obsession which can trick u into thinking its love. Seriously dont try to pursue it because it will end badly.

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