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I am no one

by heartlessviking

I spent a long time getting here, and the more I think about it the more I realize that I am metaphorically in the middle of nowhere, without identity, desire, or direction.

I was someone for a long time, before that I was someone else. It doesn’t matter who, I’m not them now. I don’t think I want to be anybody anymore. Yet, I have a wife, a job, and a family who all assure me they care very much about me. I don’t see how that is so; the agony I’m in, if anyone I love was feeling like this, I’d do anything to fix it. I guess that is a bit of who I am. I don’t think of myself as a quitter, or passive, but that’s what tempts me. I want to quit. I want to walk away from everything. Not for a rational reason, I just don’t feel like being that person again.

I want to be left alone to my projects. Whatever whim takes me, that’s what I want to do. Lately I’ve been getting into gardening. I wish that was all I had to do. Not find someone who will buy my plants, just grow enough for my family and not be asked questions about it. Plants are so simple; right light, right moisture, right nutrients and good seed and you get amazing food. I wish my life worked like that; the right parents, the right education, the right training, and a half decent mind should amount to something. It doesn’t. There is no me, no one left to hurt or disappoint, just a guy, sitting in an office, waiting to die.

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1 comment

TheOpenRoad 5/20/2021 - 2:51 am

You are someone. And I think with the relationships you’ve managed to build with ur family and friends, you’re irreplaceable. About sitting in your office, waiting to die, why? If you don’t like your job, quit. Fuck money. Fuck it all. You only live once. You don’t have to be ‘that person’ anymore. You’re allowed to change. So change. Do something for yourself.

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