I spent a long time getting here, and the more I think about it the more I realize that I am metaphorically in the middle of nowhere, without identity, desire, or direction.
I was someone for a long time, before that I was someone else. It doesn’t matter who, I’m not them now. I don’t think I want to be anybody anymore. Yet, I have a wife, a job, and a family who all assure me they care very much about me. I don’t see how that is so; the agony I’m in, if anyone I love was feeling like this, I’d do anything to fix it. I guess that is a bit of who I am. I don’t think of myself as a quitter, or passive, but that’s what tempts me. I want to quit. I want to walk away from everything. Not for a rational reason, I just don’t feel like being that person again.
I want to be left alone to my projects. Whatever whim takes me, that’s what I want to do. Lately I’ve been getting into gardening. I wish that was all I had to do. Not find someone who will buy my plants, just grow enough for my family and not be asked questions about it. Plants are so simple; right light, right moisture, right nutrients and good seed and you get amazing food. I wish my life worked like that; the right parents, the right education, the right training, and a half decent mind should amount to something. It doesn’t. There is no me, no one left to hurt or disappoint, just a guy, sitting in an office, waiting to die.