Regret…

I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe or something. I actually know things could’ve been different if I had just made one choice and not the other. Actually there’s multiple instances that I can remember where I made the wrong decision. And they all added up until I became what I am today. If I could go back in time I would and I’d choose to be more vulnerable with people. I’d actually let people in. My youth was wasted thinking I wasn’t worthy of companionship in any form. I suppose I never stood a chance with the way I was raised at home. If I couldn’t even trust my own father then who could’ve I trusted all these years? My mom of course right?! That’s what I thought for some time but the more time that passes and the more I realize just how broken I am the more I resent her for putting up with him for over a decade. All those years of  abuse and domestic violence. All those memories I have of my father beating on us and telling us terrible things… When my mother finally split ways with my father it hardly mattered because the damage had already been done. I was already scarred. So no matter who reached out to me, it didn’t matter if it was a classmate, youth sports teammate, teacher, aunt, uncle, counselor, etc it wasn’t enough back then to make me realize I was worthy of companionship. It’s strange but as innocent as people thought I was back then I somehow ended up becoming a criminal. People think that the loner eventually rots inside till his/her core becomes corrupted by negative emotions and eventually becomes a school shooter or something or they think that the loner will someday become a successful somebody someday simply because he had a rough upbringing. Well neither of those are true in my case thankfully and I have never wanted any of that. But in a way I suppose I did become rotten because I committed a crime and it wasn’t out of anger or hate but out of fear. I was afraid of living so I drank everyday until eventually one day I made another bad decision and got behind the wheel intoxicated. I became a danger to society because of the fear I was trying so hard to numb. It was on that night that I realized how dangerous that emotion could be. That was also the night that I became aware of an unpleasant thought I had been subconsciously harboring behind the scenes. I became aware of how worthless my life was. I officially identified as a nihilist. A year later and I came to the conclusion that nihilism wasn’t the ultimate answer I was looking for but rather a useful way of looking at things when they didn’t make much sense or seem fair. So I guess now I’m an optimistic nihilist. I still see the beauty in life but I also embrace the darkness in it and that’s okay because I get to choose what all that means to me. I don’t really know what I’m getting at here but a part of me wishes I could just be normal. My past just haunts me so much. I can’t help but wish everyday that I had chosen a different path. I’m such a fool. I could’ve had a decent group of friends and even a girlfriend. I could’ve been normal. I know I could’ve because both of those things were knocking on my door at multiple different points and I rejected every opportunity. Jason, Megan, Reyna, Ali, Julian, Shea, Zachary, Hannah, Kyrstin, Catherine, Tiegan, Nick…all these people attempted and I ignored all of them because I was afraid. I didn’t believe any of them and for that I’m alone and from the look of things that won’t be changing anytime soon. I suppose that’s why I job hop so much. The moment I get a sense people are trying to get to know me I disappear. I’m self sabotaging myself to protect myself I think. Although I’m not really sure how that works…..I don’t even think that’s very logical but I can’t help it….