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Seeing therapist tomorrow.

by LeaveMeAlone.

I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow. I guess you could say it’s “my” therapist but I’m not her only client so the better word is “their”, I think. Or, is there any way to say that you associate with someone without implying possesion? The therapist associated with me at the moment. I think I’m supposed to be optimistic but I’m really not. I’m following a step-by-step guide that I created, I have no idea how many steps there are, I just know that I’m on the third one (destroying habits), and what day the other ones started and ended and the names of those two as well, (disassociate October 10 – March 25, disconnect March 25 – May 17), I’m not sure why I’m doing it. Maybe I’m crazy. It’s just a voice in my head telling me what to do. I don’t have to do it but I can’t think of anything else to do. I’m not sure what I should talk about with the therapist associated with me at the moment. Should I be honest? I don’t know how that would go.
Hey, I’ve been feeling suicidal for more than half a year, I’m trying to not be addicted to porn, I almost killed myself one time, I hate living with my family but I have nowhere to go, I technically have friends but I want nothing to do with them because they are a “distraction”, I get a weird feeling whenever I try to work on anything that makes my sight go blurry, my body stop coordinating correctly, and my head to not think straight which frustrates me a lot, because there is literally nothing I can do about it. I have really low self esteem and nothing that anyone says to me is going to change that because it’s related to childhood trauma, I was bullied as a child.
Kind of a weird way to introduce myself… hello, this is why I’m here… confessing all of my problems to a complete stranger. Well I’ve already done it over the internet. It can’t be that hard in person… worst thing that can happen is that I pass out. Most likely thing to happen is that I get a weird headache and start panicking. Why doss it have to be so hard to just say some words… just to say them out loud in front of another person. Do I even want to be honest? Well I have to be. It’s so hard to find a reason to be honest when I’d rather lie or not speak at all. I know that you should never lie to your doctor. I would tell myself to swallow and say it with a straight face but I know that’s not possible. I don’t know what I want, really. I don’t know what to do. I’m just being forced to do things. I can’t even tell myself what to do because there’s a voice in my head telling me not to. Ugh, what a pain in the ass… thinking is so hard.

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disciple of Atropos 5/19/2021 - 8:27 am

I’m glad you got to a therapist. If it makes you feel any better, I have no idea how to talk to them either. But that’s their job, I guess: they help you talk about it. If you feel like you’re stuck, don’t feel too self-conscious. Also look at this post for notes (if you’re allowed to) or write key points from this post down on paper. Having notes helps me remember stuff.

In case you’re already done with the therapist, congrats! I hope the first session went well.

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