Seeing therapist tomorrow.

I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow. I guess you could say it’s “my” therapist but I’m not her only client so the better word is “their”, I think. Or, is there any way to say that you associate with someone without implying possesion? The therapist associated with me at the moment. I think I’m supposed to be optimistic but I’m really not. I’m following a step-by-step guide that I created, I have no idea how many steps there are, I just know that I’m on the third one (destroying habits), and what day the other ones started and ended and the names of those two as well, (disassociate October 10 – March 25, disconnect March 25 – May 17), I’m not sure why I’m doing it. Maybe I’m crazy. It’s just a voice in my head telling me what to do. I don’t have to do it but I can’t think of anything else to do. I’m not sure what I should talk about with the therapist associated with me at the moment. Should I be honest? I don’t know how that would go.
Hey, I’ve been feeling suicidal for more than half a year, I’m trying to not be addicted to porn, I almost killed myself one time, I hate living with my family but I have nowhere to go, I technically have friends but I want nothing to do with them because they are a “distraction”, I get a weird feeling whenever I try to work on anything that makes my sight go blurry, my body stop coordinating correctly, and my head to not think straight which frustrates me a lot, because there is literally nothing I can do about it. I have really low self esteem and nothing that anyone says to me is going to change that because it’s related to childhood trauma, I was bullied as a child.
Kind of a weird way to introduce myself… hello, this is why I’m here… confessing all of my problems to a complete stranger. Well I’ve already done it over the internet. It can’t be that hard in person… worst thing that can happen is that I pass out. Most likely thing to happen is that I get a weird headache and start panicking. Why doss it have to be so hard to just say some words… just to say them out loud in front of another person. Do I even want to be honest? Well I have to be. It’s so hard to find a reason to be honest when I’d rather lie or not speak at all. I know that you should never lie to your doctor. I would tell myself to swallow and say it with a straight face but I know that’s not possible. I don’t know what I want, really. I don’t know what to do. I’m just being forced to do things. I can’t even tell myself what to do because there’s a voice in my head telling me not to. Ugh, what a pain in the ass… thinking is so hard.