What is the difference between I want to end my life and I want my life to end. I am trying to figure that out because that is exactly how I feel.
I had been posting back in April my day to day progress in the hospital after I signed myself in after coming dangerously close to following through with a plan that would have definitely ended things for me. After the hospital I was transferred to a residential treatment facility 5 hours away which supposedly treated patients with depressive and related disorders. It started out well until I met the therapist and went downhill from there. Basically after the first week I found zero therapy value in the group sessions and the individual therapy was non existent.
I am home now, and just wondering what to do now. I can say the only thing that wont happen is me starting back to what I had planned. At least not anytime soon. I have a lot of medical appointments to follow up. I basically do not care about any of them. I’ll go to see what the worst case scenario may be. and forgive me or saying it. I will probably hope for that. I am just too tired to do this any more.
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I ended up in a facility like that years ago when I went into withdrawals for Xanax and was already suicidal. They started giving me Paxil and siad oh it will works in a2-4 weeks and Im like thats a joke right? They made me go cold turkey on the Xanax and I was climbing the walls. After a few day this guy asked me why I was there and he said this is about the worst place you could be if you are depressed and withdrawing. It felt like I was in hell and I couldn’t sleep so I escaped and had just enough bus money to get home. My wife at the time was going manic so she disappeared with my car and all my money. Once I got my car back I was amazed at how good I felt being out of that place and had a different outlook on life. My life was still really screwed up but at least I wasn’t shut down anymore. I guess sometimes a visit to hell is just what the doctor ordered.