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Dear God

by madetofade2

I dont understand why I am here if all I can do is suffer and cause damage.

Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life hoping for a new start to every day, whilst fucking up every single day by not being the best person, mother, daughter, girlfriend or friend? Am I supposed to want to hurt myself so bad every single day? Why am I here if I feel like I hate myself so much and want to be put in the fucking ground? If I have the logic that some people are bad and should just die, doesnt that include myself? I am incapable of forgiving myself and the ripples of the things I have done are now tidal waves and I cant fucking breath. I cant wait for the day when I am fucking dead. Anything is better than my reality. Dear god, please fucking kill me.

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4 comments

TheOpenRoad 6/23/2021 - 12:02 am

Good and bad aren’t black and white. They’re just shades of grey. You’re not good or bad. Nobody is. You don’t cause damage, and you don’t have to suffer.

Robert77 6/24/2021 - 2:01 am

We all have both good and bad in us. No one is perfect never has been nor ever will be. I don’t cause much damage anymore like when I was younger but god do I suffer and beg God daily to take my life cause Im done in this hell. The last few days have been particularly bad and Im letting my bad marriage to a Bipolar ruin my relationship with my girl friend. Im really damaged and now I see just how much 25 years of Bipolar/BPD hell can do to a person. I was real mean to my gf and she didn’t deserve it. Im a mess also.

heartlessviking 6/24/2021 - 7:28 pm

I agree with TheOpenRoad, there is much more nuance in morality, and people behave well or poorly, the attributes don’t really stick. I think that it eventually comes down to what others want, and how influential such things are. You and I agree, that if it was an available option death is preferable. Yet, others seem to need us. I can’t really understand the utility of things being that way, but that’s the world I live in.

I’m re evaluating what has value and what doesn’t. I don’t think status matters in the slightest. I consider my own morality and given that limitation, realize that someday all that will be left of me is what others remember. Given that death is coming, sooner or later, I try not to make it go faster.

heartlessviking 6/24/2021 - 7:32 pm

I meant to include it with my previous comment; I think as a practical matter the existence or non existence of God is a pointless debate. Rather religion is a fantasy that appeals to internal cultural values. It would seem that there may well be a God, of some kind, and serving a purpose. What purposes does he or she serve though? Words of comfort, and the rational appeal that someone out there has a plan.

I’m too dead inside to give you comfort, but can understand how the belief in God can make a situation such as ours incomprehensible. Yet many things happen that are not intended, and it serves me to believe that God is always hoping for the best for us, if he is there at all. When we hurt, he hurts. When we celebrate, he celebrates.

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