Everything is so sad and depressing. I don’t know what to do with my existence, how to pass the meaningless time during which I’m awake. I could read one of my books or learn more physics, but I’ve lost interest in both of them. Those things gave me life, and now I feel dead. My dreams don’t help; they only provide me with more depressing thoughts. No wonder I’m afraid to sleep and keep staying up past midnight.
My 16th birthday is in only a matter of weeks. I’m so old, and yet I’ve done nothing with my life. I’ve been afraid of my birthday since I was 12 turning 13. The thought of getting older and losing my childhood scares me and makes me so sad. Whenever my birthday approaches, I just want to scream, “NO! I’M NOT READY! PUSH IT BACK! PUSH IT BACK!” as if the universe would actually make my birthday later.
I can’t seem to let go of my past. I’ve been obsessively fantasizing about the idea of starting my life over. I think of my time as a young child as the only good part of my life. My father says that I lack maturity, but you know what, fuck maturity! Goddamn stupid social construct! I don’t care!
I’ve been feeling extremely insecure recently. I’ve been comparing nearly every aspect of myself to every attribute of other people. I hate myself more than I hate anyone else. Last night I dreamt about the guy I liked back in 7th grade and haven’t seen since. I dreamt that I helped him all his life (even saved it once) up until he began a political campaign as a Democrat, but my existence was never acknowledged except by the guy’s mom. It was really weird, especially considering the fact that I never even spoke to the guy during the time I knew him. Then the dream cut to me traveling back in time to confront my 8-year-old self. I don’t know what the objective of the confrontation was, though. Maybe I meant to kill her? Anyway, after I landed the first punch, I woke up.
I hate my mind. I wish it would just shut up. I didn’t ask for its opinion in the first place. Still, it seems to be the only one who actually wants to talk to me these days. My thoughts have become so disturbing that I’ve started to need to drown them out with music. I don’t know how I’m going to go on like this. I don’t know if I can.
2 comments
I’ve had the exact same feelings. I personally never wanted to grow up, life as it has been formatted now, has never appealed to me.
Maturity and it’s friends, peer pressure, comparison to others, a need to fit in, a need to grow up, a demand to accept life as it is…these are all a construct built by society to force your compliance.
To ensure that the unit with your social security/ID number is running at optimium efficiency in the production-consumption machine.
Quite rightly you shouldn’t care for it.
Where to go forward is the conundrum, I could only parrot what others say with the whole finding a passion thing. Then hope that it is one endorsed by the world. Unlike mine (art) which is a black hole, physics is a useful, frankly awesome skill and interest, one I wish the inferior heap of snot in my cranium could work with.
This life is bleak I know, the people you meet sometimes bleaker still. But remain true to you and any time you feel self hate, or inadequacy, remember it’s the system trying to force your compliance.
i am afraid of sleeping too. I actively avoid sleep because of chronic nightmares.