acceptance?

Mostly writing because it will be the only way I process these emotions. At this point, my energy level is too low to even apply for jobs, let alone hold one down. I’ve been able to strip away all the emotion in it, so I can explain to my wife. She’s incredibly supportive, and I feel lucky in that regard. She accepted my pitch; she works and I focus on keeping house. The fact is that I spend more time tending the house than her, and I don’t have a problem with that. I’m good at it.

The hard part is still letting go, becoming okay with not always thinking about the next job…. I know I can get there, but I’m not there now. I’m a caregiver, my entire career has been caring for others, and now what I really would like is to have some kiddos of my own, and to devote myself to their well being. I’d have more peace then, feel less like a burden on society. Or so I imagine, it isn’t something I’ll know until I’m there.

Today I was working on trying to improve my software engineering skills, and I hit a wall, it was more than I could handle. It just feels like I’m hitting a wall here. There’s no way around that I’ve found, I haven’t been any more productive with any of my other attempts at finding purpose.

a day at a time, I guess, that’s what my wife says. I’d like to be excited about my life again, but that’s a long ways down the road.