I am a victim of bullying due to autism. I have been bullied by hundreds of people. People who bully me aren’t bad people, they are nice to everyone else but they bully and hurt only me because they think I don’t deserve to live due to my mental disability. That’s a really bad situation because that means they don’t have any enemies and I have lost any hope for them to suffer or ‘pay’ for their wrongdoings. The longer I live, the more people I meet and the more bad experiences I get with people. I don’t see any other way out of this except suicide.
Bullying is even considered ‘good’ by many people, it’s ‘boys being boys’ or ‘it makes you tough’. Some people even say that everyone in life has faced bullying in one form or the other. But most people don’t go through the kind of chronic bullying I went through. I can’t even describe the horrible things that were done to me. Kids in school humiliated me, strangled me, beat me up, spit on me, called me names, used me to do their homework and many other horrible things. Even the teachers and adults behaved the same way with me.
Most of the time when I meet someone in life, they hurt me sooner or later. All these years of mistreatment and bullying has created complex ptsd and it has caused me great suffering. I can’t sleep properly because I see nightmares of being bullied. I can’t focus on studying or work anymore because all that goes in my mind is the looping of the bullying memories. Most people have no idea what this feels like, you feel uncontrollable rage inside, you feel powerless and your stomach and chest feels like it’s burning from inside. I think most people would rather die than go through this kind of torture.
And before you tell me that ‘why don’t you try to get even with them’, understand that if I was capable of taking revenge I would have done so long ago. If it was just a few people I could consider putting my life at risk to teach them a lesson they will never forget, but I have received this kind of treatment from hundreds of people in my life. I can’t possible travel back to my past and deal with those people one by one like I own a time machine or some shit. I can’t forgive them either. The longer I live the longer I keep suffering like this, everyday I get more and more shit from more people and I have no other option but to carry it with me. I wish I was strong enough to kill myself when I was 5 years old, that way I wouldn’t have to go through none of this shit. Even if I don’t commit suicide I feel like I am gonna die pretty soon as my heart can’t handle anymore stress. I am already having heart problems and it’s just a matter of time before I get a cardiac arrest and die.