I now kind of know what it’s like to be haunted by an event. I can’t stop mentally reliving the moment that my cat died. Every time I lay down, or just have a moment without much outside distraction I find myself remembering what it felt like when she died, and what her dead body felt like in my arms. at least this hasn’t gotten into my dreams yet, or if it has I haven’t remembered them I hope that doesn’t happen. Not that I’ve been able to sleep very well, with the constant memories of this event and the not having a sheet and having to lay on the only blanket I own and attempt to wrap self in it. I really wish I didn’t pick her up to shake her awake, I really wish I didn’t try to set her on her feet hoping she’d stand, I really wish she wasn’t dead.
I still look for her, while walking around my house I still find myself glancing to all the places she’d sleep and hang out. As I did while she was alive, then I see the towel that she died in sat in one of her perches. I know I will never see again, but I think it’s going to be a long time before I break this habit.
I hope I never experience anything more traumatic than this, this is already breaking me. It’s only day 3.
5 comments
Keeping you in my thoughts for what that’s worth. This can easily qualify as one of life’s most horrible moments, when a huge part of oneself dies along with your beloved pet. Sheer horror. I’m sorry you had to experience this…sure, there’s all the cliches about the wonderful life you gave her, but I know that for the time being, they’re mostly meaningless. Hang on. It’s all you can do right now. A day will come that isn’t so painful…
Hopefully that day does come. Thank you for the thoughts.
She is the first pet I lost that was my companion, I lost pets in the family and those moments hurt, but this one is so much worse…. And it’s even more upsetting to think that I may one day eventually allow another kitty into my life and will have to go through this again. My father actually had the nerve to ask while bringing her to get her cremated if I wanted another cat, her body wasn’t even cold yet. that really upset me. I’m sure one day I’ll eventually have another kitty, but sadly I won’t be able to tell that kitty that they are the best kitty I’ve ever known, that is a thing exclusively for first kitty in life. I really wish I could hug her one more time. I can’t stop thinking about how soft and warm she was, how her weight felt on my lap, how loud her purrs were, and how expressive her various meows were.
Its like losing a child and its very heartbreaking. I cried for 2 weeks straight and thankfully I wasn’t working at the time. My baby of 14 years died in my arms also. It did traumatize me. Im so sorry you have to go thru this. I felt her jumping on my bed in the morning for months. It will get better with time but you will never forget her.
My kitty was also around 14 years too (just a couple months past it), I don’t understand all the romanticism around things dying in arms of a loved one anymore. It’s traumatizing for the survivors, I guess it might be comforting for the dying but now I really do hope I die alone. I also keep finding myself waiting for her to walk over and paw me to let me know to move my arm so she can jump up in the chair with me, like she used to do several times per day.
Yeah I didn’t want it to happen that way and I had 2 hours to go before I was going to take her to the vet and have her put to sleep. I myself just wasn’t built for a loved one dying in my arms either. It did play thru my head for months and I would break down and cry when I thought about it. All I could think about was The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I hate this world we live in.