:: Relief? Or Fata Morgana ::

Disclaimer; I’ve been told that my writing is overly complex, and frustrating to read. Thus, if these things are a problem for you, press the back button on your browser and spare yourself the horror of my mad philosophic ramblings. Else, let’s go.

My life is dominated by waiting. As in, it used to be just a few things, now it is quite a lot. At the moment I’m unemployed, feeling a little frustrated about finances, but I have stuff to do. The point, I think, is that I step back, stop needing my life to follow my plan. Go with the flow, as it were.

I think that I struggle with magical thinking regarding relief. It seems to follow that if one door previously closed is now open, more will be following suit. That feels right, but cognitively I distrust the instinct. Right, so going to talk about another thing that I cannot discuss in my real life; I have a passion for erotic fiction, dirty, raunchy, romantic, whatever. The thing about that, and really all media I consume; most of the writers I like have stopped writing. One of my early favorites has been inactive for seven years, probably a good bet I’ll never hear from them again.

It’s a strange thing, liking an author who is active. Even stranger for them to write more of what I like of theirs. So, there’s a multi part story that I consider the best in all that I’ve ever read. Each chapter builds on the last, and makes me eager for the next. I discovered it a year and a half ago, after the third chapter was published. Today I was checking my normal spots for the five or six living/active authors that I can see fresh work. I saw something new from the guy that wrote my favorite story, not what I was looking for, but I decided to check on all platforms, he takes awhile to get things to easily tracked formats. Then I discover that on his pay site he’s posted chapter four, and it cost me $1 to view, a bargain I say.

Meanwhile, two shows that I enjoy are posting new episodes tonight. In a few week, entirely removed from the rest, I have the potential for a solution in my troubled financial status. There’s that perky part of my brain that wants to trust in things getting better. It is overshadowed by the part that says; “Promising signs are meaningless, results matter.”

Which brings me around to Fata Morgana. I could have led with mirage, because that is what Fata Morgana is. Mirage for me is more scientific, while Fata Morgana conjures up images of Arthurian legend, and the sorceress Morgan La Fe who was known to conjure illusory castles to lead sailors to their doom. That’s the human instinct; when it is a personal attack it feels nicer than the unkindness of brash disregard/total apathy. I do not think that anyone sets out to fool me, not in such a direct manner. I do end up fooled, and feel foolish when what I thought I saw was naught but air.

I only worry/doubt positive illusions. Negative ones don’t bug me, because if they threaten me eventually they have to threaten me, at which point if they don’t exist it’s a nice surprise. At this point I distrust anyone or anything that would pretend to benefit me. Nice things happen, and there doesn’t appear to be any kind of rhyme or reason to their occurance.

I’m glad for the story, I’d like to just enjoy that. Me being me, however, it is never that simple.