Hi again everyone, never thought I would write this title
I really thought I’ve found the love of my life almost 3 years ago, we were going to get married in 6 months, then he suddenly told me that he didn’t love me anymore 2 weeks ago, that I wasn’t his best friend and that he cheated on me with this girl from work. He told me horrible thing and treated me so badly, now he tells me that he loves her and they are together.
I cant Express the hurt I am feeling, I am not able to wish this on anyone. Today he told me that my depression was part of the reason we broke up, because it put a lot of pressure on him. I am broken in so many ways, I started self harming again, smoking again and feeling this urge to end everything.
I really thought I had someone who loved me for who I am. But well, guess who is not worthy of love? Me. I was really dumb thinking that I could have a family, you know?
I spent a lot of money with the wedding, and now all my plans are gone. I spent a lot of time preparing things instead of studying for my medical residency exam, so guess who is not going to pass the test again?
I am feeling empty, alone and to be fair, I think I just hit rock bottom. I am not able to keep going forward anymore. I am never good enough and I will never be.
I am trying to figure out how I am going to put an end to this. But you know, some people deserve to stay broken and that’s my destiny.
I dont deserve love, respect or the capacity of being happy.
2 comments
You do deserve love, respect and the capacity of being happy. I have gone through something similar with my fiancé. We also had about 6 months to go to be married. She claimed she was a better kinder more understanding person than my BPD/Bipolar ex wife. In the end she got so bad I now miss my ex wife. Yeah I have C-PTSD and Im a little screwed up but I know I did not deserve to be treated like an enemy. Its like I was put here on Earth to be broken by cruel people. I do not like living or being alive. I find no joy in it anymore and after all Ive been through for many years I also just want to throw in the towel and make all this pain end. I don’t believe either one of us deserves to be broken like we are. I think we are too good for this shitty world.
That is truly awful, but to be fair, it IS probably not reasonable to expect to find happiness with someone who has not experienced true depression (which never truly ends, it just becomes manageable if you put in the work). That doesn’t mean that you deserved what happened to you, though. I’ve seen (and experienced) so many relationships that are just used as stepping stools for the “next best thing.” It’s far more common than you might think. People use the confidence they gain from being in a relationship to springboard to their next conquest. These new relationships are, more often than not, inferior to the one they had, because who in their right mind goes for someone already in a relationship? The inability to maturely end one relationship and process things before starting a new one is a HUGE character flaw, and honestly, you are far better off without that guy. You also can’t be faulted for what, in hindsight, look like mistakes (unless of course you saw the red flags far in advance and ignored them – if so, well, it’s understandable, but there’s a limit to how much denial one should endure without finally confronting that person and getting things out in the open). If you were unaware, then that’s just how it goes. He was good at concealing his true nature from you, and again, you are far better off without someone who lies so effectively that you can’t pick up on it.
As someone who is very good at reading people and terrible at falling for people who would be good for me, I can tell you that relationships only get more challenging the more honest you are with yourself, because it makes you completely wrong for the vast majority of people who fake their way through life. Just remember: a relationship does not define you, it reflects you. That’s why serious, deep, meaningful ones are so rare and precious, because they are the only kind that offer the kind of love, respect, and happiness you crave. Don’t give up. You’re perfectly fine as you are, and while there are no guarantees you’ll ever meet someone who sees that, it is also not a guarantee that you won’t. I’d say it’s far better not to settle and be a bit lonely than to have someone that doesn’t truly love you and still feel alone.
Take care.