Fear of self

Again, something I don’t get to talk about in my “public” life, because it hurts too much, and it is far too frightening. I’ve tried to work through it with therapists, with no luck at all.

At the end of the day, what scares me more than anything external, is myself. This is a peculiar form of self loathing, I’m convinced because though I have looked all my life, I have never found someone else who admits they are afraid of what they might do.

The awful thing about this is that it is the closest to a self portrait as I can do as a writer. If my paranoid ideas proved true, ever voicing what I want and who I am will kill me.

Back to the beginning though eh? In the same breath I admit that I think this will kill me, and continue on. Courage? No, just out of fucks to give. Kill me if you please, just do a good job the first try. I’ve had people try to kill me and fail and it’s just sad.

I have a certain amount of paranoia and meglomania. The paranoia is the oldest, because  I never fit and it drove me to work very hard not to be noticed. I did not succeed in that manner. Every time I am noticed, it scares me because it activates my meglomania. As a young man, teens through mid twenties, I was fascinated with revolutionaries, prophets and cult leaders. I’ll grant that our culture gives these figures great exposure for their flaws as much  as their virtue. Yet I saw so much of myself in people like Jim Jones, Che Guavara, Fidel Castro, Vladamir Lenin, and so on and so on. All of them in their youth were considered quite bright, but odd, incurably odd. They attempted to function within the society of their day, and fail. They begin to draw others towards them, and those others eventually form the revolution. All eventually reached a stalemate with capitalism, but my hypothesis on that is that they started the revolution too soon, before they had sufficient public backing to produce a lasting change. They also didn’t have sufficient oversight but that’s another two hour rambling sermon.

I saw that in myself, and it terrified me. This is because while I have the self assuredness to want to impose my morality on the world, I am just realistic enough to understand the risks involved. Most revolutionaries are assasinated, usually with the help of imperial capitalists. So, I’ve kept quiet, dropping hints here and there. It’s why I admit that if you read me here and read me elsewhere, you already have all the clues you need.

I don’t actually think I’m that important, that public of a figure. I have a mid sized following, maybe a few hundred really interested people, a few thousand associations. It is only if those people rise to prominence that I will advance in the area of power and visibility.

Maybe it won’t happen, I hope it won’t actually. I’d rather be a madman out in the wilderness, growing my plants and raising goats than see my vision for my country come to pass. Because people will have to die, and people with have to change, and those are the two things that terrify my countrymen and women most. I cannot inflict such pain. They have to ask for it, and thank God I think it scares them too much.