Lonely Pagliacci

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m comfortably miserable, yet I want to be better. Not entirely for myself but for others I suppose. I have always hated the one that people pity or something, so I always put on an act. But then that can get exhausting at times. I have the best and most supportive friends but then after a weekend of hanging out with them I want to distance myself from them. For what? To “recharge?” I know I shouldn’t but I’ll do it anyway. I’ll distance myself, disappear from texts, from parties, from hangouts, from visits until I am ready again. And when I finally show my face, “Oh I’ve been good. Just been busy with work and busy in the garage.” Or whatever other bullshit excuse I use to protect that misery. I have always said I have been lonely, even with friends and family around me I still feel lonely. Often times I want go be lonely alone.