Been stuck in my own head for so long

I don’t know how to open up. I’m not good at it, And its the reason I have not tried to get help again or reach out to those who care so I could have someone to talk to. The last time I saw a therapist I was about 19, had just dropped out of college, and I was in the worst shape (mentally) in my life. The only reason I managed to get into therapy was because I went to the doctor for my lack of sleep where they diagnosed me with insomnia and MDD and set me up with a therapist. Even then I didn’t know how to tell my mom. She didn’t even know I had been dealing with that because when she gave me the opportunity years before to open up and I told her that I am depressed, she just brushed it off and said “its just a phase.” Like, I already had a hard time opening up-that was just me having that difficulty. But then she just sealed the deal, now I know I have no support there. And its not like I could go to my dad because he’s just the macho “wtf are you even sad for” type of guy. After therapy I was better for a while but then I fell back into this shit again and I just don’t know how to ask for help. The thought of me telling my parents I want to get back into therapy is overwhelming. I don’t know how I would say it or how they would react. Then comes the sympathy and the “watch what you say around him” shit that I hate if I did that. I suffer alone because the people around me conditioned me to be this way and I hate it. I hate being this way. I miss being depressed and in college because then I feel like I had an excuse. Being depressed and working a job is shitty because I feel like I am making others feel like shit because I feel like shit or I feel like people expect me to have my shit together already.