Companionship

My family visted me for Thanksgiving. One thing that stuck out to me is a brief conversation on whether or not I waould get married some day. I shruged it off and said if it happens it happens. But this was one of the first times I saw my Mother worried about it. She said she wants ne to put myself out there and find a “companion”. Usually she never seemed bothered or interested in the fact I was alone. I played it off like I didn’t care, but obviously this is one of the things that keeps me up at night. I hate being alone and I hate not being alone. Of course dying would probably fix all of this, but what is another way to fix this. I feel very isolated. I’ve always felt isolated. I have friends online. I talk to people. I don’t leave my house that often however. I don’t understand what I am. I don’t know why I am. Often I find it easier to close my eyes and just sleep. Sleep so I’m not here. I am genuinely curious if I can find a mirror. A reflection that is as interested in me as I am in them. Something or someone who looks at me with the same level of curiosity that I do them. A sort of half. My ears are doing that wooshing thing now. Where you hear the blood flow through your ear canal.