Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.
Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, what may happen tomorrow, the next day, and so on, I think it’s why I want to die fairly often.
Just because I’ve endured this nightmare so far is not an assurance I can endure it indefinitely, which is what appears to be ahead of me. Then again, I’m anxious and depressed, my perception is flawed. Here’s the real question though; If it really is hopeless, are you still depressed or anxious for noticing? As one of my mentors was apt to point out; just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out to get you. Why not the same with hopelessness? Depression appears a rational outlook, when each day provides less material for hope. When hope is a delusion, then the hopeful are the truly sick. The rest of us are relatively level, and they are gaslighting us into believing that there is something wrong with us.
Ah well. It will be what it will be. To some extent tomorrow is a natural conclusion of events already set in motion. I have limited choices, limited agency.
2 comments
I suppose whether or not depression/anxiety is an accurate reflection on reality, it’s functionally maladaptive. If there truly is no hope, then you’re just suffering unnecessarily ahead of time. Better to serenely await your fate. If there is in fact hope, then depression/anxiety make you less likely to see it and do what is necessary to reach out for it.
Unfortunately it’s hard to manufacture hope when you don’t feel it.
Kinda sounds like the half full vs. half empty, choice.
Since I feel better knowing my cup is half full, I train my brain to interpret the cup that way.
Doesn’t change the cup (it’s still both half empty and half full).
But it does change my PERCEPTION and my mood and decreases my need to be worrying about something (unimportant) being empty.
Life is always the same way.
We can always change our perception,
but pretty much nothing else.
So since life, is + can be so awful, destructive + evil,
it’s always useful to put in terms of it’s fullness, rather than it’s emptiness.
When I allow myself to focus on the empty (bad) that is actually always there,
I start stumbling down the hole to nothingness except despair…
Therefore I prefer (am happier) always looking at the FULLNESS,
whether it’s reality or not doesn’t really matter
just makes existing on this evil planet more bearable + tolerable + even pleasant.
Once you perfect the fullness mentality (requires training your brain to rethink that way)
suicide is no longer an option.
I’m glad I visited here tonight.
Somehow my story knocked me back to how I MUST think,
to be ok.
Seeking fullness and good no matter how awful + hopeless my life can appear.
It is (awful) but as long as I’m perceiving the fullness,
I know I can/will survive until the natural end,
And maybe even actually enjoy life once in awhile.
It IS surprisingly possible, no matter how deep in the dark hole of depression you may be.
There’s always a crack waiting to open,
to let the light back in.
I hope the best + brightest for everyone here.
All you need to do is perceive everything as having GOOD + FULL, (goodness + fullness)
and it will be that-
I promise.
For every bad thing in your life just rephrase it as good.
Eg. I’m so depressed I have cancer, certain to kill me soon.
Instead=I’ve had cancer 3 1/2 years, all doctors have been wrong (my expected life expectancy) + I’m still alive + doing ok, so I will keep being ok 🙂
I have a long list of bads right now, but I won’t bore you.
You get the idea, just need to rephrase all 5he bads and evil in the positive + fullness + you WILL feel better, if you’re committed to feeling FULL.
Try it. ..GOOD Night.