Horror is the discovery of events that have already happened that are terrible. To be blunt, it’s everywhere. The history of mankind; people made choices, many of those choices were awful. Horror is finding out that they were worse than you thought.
Terror though, that’s the anticipation of awful things yet to come. That’s the one I can’t get myself around, and I haven’t been able to find someone who has an effective strategy to deal with terror. Terror is a white hot anxiety in my belly. Things have gone so wrong, that already is, can’t make it less so by thinking about it. Terror though, what may happen tomorrow, the next day, and so on, I think it’s why I want to die fairly often.
Just because I’ve endured this nightmare so far is not an assurance I can endure it indefinitely, which is what appears to be ahead of me. Then again, I’m anxious and depressed, my perception is flawed. Here’s the real question though; If it really is hopeless, are you still depressed or anxious for noticing? As one of my mentors was apt to point out; just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean that there isn’t someone out to get you. Why not the same with hopelessness? Depression appears a rational outlook, when each day provides less material for hope. When hope is a delusion, then the hopeful are the truly sick. The rest of us are relatively level, and they are gaslighting us into believing that there is something wrong with us.
Ah well. It will be what it will be. To some extent tomorrow is a natural conclusion of events already set in motion. I have limited choices, limited agency.