It’s been a rough couple of weeks. My energy levels are low, made worse by the lack of daylight. I can’t afford to fix my bike, so I can’t go ride, one of the few things I was able to do outside the house. Wife is struggling too, not much I’ve been able to do to help.
This week I started really applying to jobs that I am way overqualified for. 15 years into a career, you’d think experience would count for something. Anyway, returning to the well of things I’ve already done, applied to work on a psych ward as a tech. I did it for two years before, it was a pretty good two years. We’re all imprisoned somewhere, but the kids I looked after were good at helping me forget. I got a call to schedule an interview an hour later, so next week I’m going to go do that.
Not really sure why anymore. I don’t think I’ll feel better about my career, it’s a fundamentally dead end job. The one thing I can’t discount is that my computer is old, I need to raise quite a bit of funds to update, and nothing else is working out. Also, I have this ambition about buying some land and a structure, and next time things get as bad as they’ve been lately, just scoot out of town, abandon this place where I’m haunted by bad memories.
Then again, this might be me overthinking something that won’t ever be. The last time I tried to resume this career, I was immediately put in a situation of either signing off on bad discharges [in that case a heroine addict with no safety plan who is probably dead by now] or leave, and I left. I’m not investing, especially not until I know what I’m working with. It really frustrates me that usually that takes a few weeks minimum of trying to make it work. Time down the drain. I know I have tons of time, but I’m sick of selling it off for things that don’t matter.
Hope is the worst monster of all, because it shows a pretty face, it might look like things are getting better. In reality, more of the same at best, worse and worse is more common. From here, with the limited information I’ve got, I’m going to assume that the best I can get is a few weeks, maybe a few months.
The one difference I can think of is that if I get sick again, I’m going to do my best to claim disability. Employers try to stop you, every one so far has been way ahead of me on that score. I don’t think this one will be, for various reasons.
I feel empty, grim, and some complicated dark emotions that I don’t have words for.
*shrug* it’s all filling time, waiting for stuff to happen, not sure what that stuff will be.