Every now and then, when I’m feeling especially low, I find myself wondering: “Why aren’t I going back to it?” To the worst things I’ve done. It’s what I used to do when I felt like this. A huge part of me wants to, and to do much worse. It’s been nearly 5 years now since I last sunk so low.
I think it’s mainly for selfish reasons. It’s finally clicked in my head that it won’t make me happy. Sure, it’ll feel amazing in the moment. But then I’ll have to deal with the guilt again. The guilt never goes away. But it will be fresh again. It will overwhelm me and I’ll sink back into it. And mostly, I just don’t want to have to deal with feeling that again. It’s not worth it.
But the guilt never goes away. I know what I did. I know what I want to do. I know what I’m capable of. And I don’t know how to be ok with that. Because it’s not ok. It’s not acceptable, and it will never be acceptable. And I don’t know how to live with myself. With this monstrous part of myself. It’s too large to ignore entirely or shut up and starve. I have to let it out regularly in contained areas, and hope that it doesn’t have any real impact on others. But even if it doesn’t, it’s not ok that it exists. It’s not ok that I was able to do the things I did, or that I want to do them again.
It’s always there in the background of my mind. And I don’t know how to live with it. What do you do if you’re the monster everyone warned you about? Other than kill yourself? Not so much because you’re a danger to others, but because you hate yourself. And because the loneliness and isolation of it is unbearable, unless you’re a true psychopath.