I feel like I’ve been trying hard – at least, harder than I normally do. I’ve been working a lot. It feels good to be earning again, and for the first time it might be enough to support myself. I hate the pressure of deadlines though. There’s never enough time, and I end up rushing and making mistakes. And that leaves me feeling like crap. Because if I make too many, then maybe they’ll stop sending work my way, and then I’ll be back to square one. But also because it taps into my fundamental fear of being judged by others. If I make mistakes then someone might see that I’m stupid or worthless or lazy. And then the world will end…
So it’s hard to know what standards to hold yourself to, and which mistakes are “ok” to make. I want to hang on to this gig. I need the money. But it would be nice not to feel like crap after 20 hours of desperately trying to keep my mind focused on the words of others (I did sleep some in between.)
Struggle to do work, in order to make money. To delay death, even though my life remains empty. This would be the part of the day when a normal person is reminded of the positive things they’re struggling for. All I have is the enduring terror of death. And that’s not very comforting.
2 comments
Hey Husk. Mornings, when I’m getting up and getting ready for work…putting forth so much effort at a time I’d rather just stay in bed, that’s when the futility of the process hits me. Little robots, marching to the beat of the boss’s drum. Lately I find myself going to bed with the positive thought “Today is over and death is one day closer.” Its really comforting.
Hey Once, thanks for commenting. On the positive side for me, because the work I’m doing is freelance and online, I can just stay in bed and check my email, waiting for a job to come through. I could even work from bed if I felt like it. I remember the overwhelming feeling of dread I used to get when I was getting ready to do a retail shift, and it’s nice to not have that. No bosses, only clients, and my time is my own to plan as I see fit. On the downside, when a job does come through I have to work it long into the evening to get it done on time, so I don’t have much work life balance. I end up packing a week’s worth of work into half a week.
I’m glad you take comfort from your thought.