i could just keep wishing

i wish i had more friends or at least people to talk to, i wish i could just stop having this dreadful feeling deep inside me when im drawing, playing games, or doing literally anything. i wish i could stop being or feeling like im big tumor on the people i love, and that the people i love dont give a shit about me. unless thats actually true, which im always wondering if it is or not

i hate being so stupid, so mentally ill, so me, i wish i was someone else. i wish i was someone lovable, someone interesting and someone worth being friends with. my throat and gut hurt everytime i get so depressed and i try to not sob at my computer, it feels so pathetic. i hate being myself and i hate being reminded of my existence everytime i wake up

i wish i had irl friends to hang out with, i wish i had a big brother that loved me and i wish my actual brother didnt do all that shit in the past to me

i wish all my dreams were real, where im loved, happy and the world isnt horrible and dying.

i should really start planning on how to actually kill myself, but im so afraid. i keep saying that i want to die, but im so scared of what happens next after that. it all hurts so much to live, will death actually finally release me? but i don’t want to see what nonexistence looks like. im so scared that im gonna die as lonely as i feel