i have an abusive older brother, im sure i’ve mentioned him in some comments/posts, thats why i desperately look for another older brother. or at least someone that i can look up to, someone who cares about me. i’ll be vague for the time being, im afraid if i go into too much detail with what my brother did to me and the aftermath, i’ll probably get in trouble.
near the end of 2017, i believe i was 12-13ish and was in middle school. i dont know why i was called in to the offices, but they did a home checkup on me. as in, they asked questions about my home life. thats where i spilled the beans on what my brother had done to me for a fair amount of years. at the end of the session, they dismissed me back to class.
i remember getting a text from my mom in one of my classes that my brother was being arrested because of an anonymous call. i knew i fucked up when i saw that, i should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut.
my brother spent his birthday in juvy and he wasn’t allowed to see me at all when he got released. then, he was taken out of the state to my grandparents house in idaho while my parents battled the court. i.. honestly don’t know what the hell they were fighting? but money became a problem. 2018 was hell for me, i was reminded that “we could’ve been a happy family”.
at the end of the hellish year, my brother returned. for a good amount of time, we remained siblings. but.. he became more violent.
he physically abused me one day, and i got truly scared. i havent slept at all that day, and i ran away to a friend’s house. i still thank my only irl for that day, he let me doze off in his bed and let me watch him play games.
i’ve kicked him out of my room for 2 years now, or 3? but at the cost of my freedom. i dont feel comfortable going out when he’s around. there was also a time where i didnt even come out when he was awake. i kept a water jug in my room, starved myself (or kept things like crackers and snacks in my room) and only went out for the bathroom or when it’s night.
it’s the same routine, im still stuck in my room. my parents still try to get me to go out and do activities with him. they know what he did, i don’t trust him. he has a god complex and tries everything to get under my skin. am i really the heartless one when you try and force me to hang out with my abuser? you know the things he did to me, but you refuse to believe it! i had to go to therapy, therapy that never even helped me! you treated every time i wanted to kill myself like i was simply attention seeking. you yelled at me when i was crying at the hospital. stop trying to make be feel guilty.
its me or him.