Got nothing. No motivation. Last month for the project. Determines if I graduate, as do a number of other things. Working on this thing all school year just has me indifferent I guess. I remember the thing that I wanted the most out of this project is to make something that I’m proud of. Nothing that is mind blowing or game changing. Just something where I can say “Yeah I helped make this and I’m proud of it.” It didn’t happen unfortunately. I just look at it with shame and disappointment. Something where I feel like I didn’t really help or make a difference in. Just another failure on the pile I guess. No good at anything really. I have until the 15th to make a decision on what graduate school I’m going to. To be honest, I don’t have the drive for it. I just applied because I was afraid of going out into the real world and start a job. Now that I’m this close to it, I realize I’m probably no good for it. I got accepted, but when it comes down to it, I’m probably no good. Not bright or hardworking or clever. Just a grifter who managed to weasel his way to a bachelor’s (maybe. depends on how the project goes). Don’t know anything meaningful, just how to take tests and how to bullshit his way through projects and speeches and presentations. Grad school is a whole other thing. You have to actually have talent, or at least the will and drive to make your way through. I have none of those things. I feel like I’m floating in the ocean. Just staring up at the sky and letting the water flow around me. Got nothing. Am nobody. I’m at the point in the semester where I just want to run away from everything. Where nothing really matters. Where I say nothing maters, but then I have dreams about all my worries and problems. I guess something is just wrong with me. I don’t know. Haven’t heard from her in a small while. A little less than a week. Hope she is ok. Right now it’s probably best to just give her space. I was thinking about it, but why do I care about her so much. It’s getting to the point where I don’t even believe them to be romantic feelings. Just an odd feeling of needing her to be ok. To know how she is doing. I often think about how we don’t have much in common. I don’t know. I just hope she’s ok.
1 comment
Don’t stress about picking a school. It neither matters greatly in life nor the grand scheme of things.
Yes, getting through school is all about being a good test taker. Do enough to graduate, don’t pay the injustice too much mind. Life is full of injustices and formalities.
She is probably ok. If you want to hear from her more often, say it to her. Life is very simple. Don’t overthink it.