I Wrote A Will

*Do not expect perfect grammar*

*Names have been modified*(hopefully all)

You can access the rest of my money in my bank account to pay my share of the rent.

I have student debt, and I believe it can be forgiven if I am dead.

It’s been hard. I know that there were suppose to be future plans, but I couldn’t last til then unfortunately.

I thought that maybe these feelings were just temporarily. But it has become too much for me to handle on my own. I guess I wasn’t strong enough to just wait it out or work through it.

“Family” Members

I really dearly love my family even though I have decided to cut off from them due to the toxicity I have experience throughout my life especially up to my highschool years and college. Despite it all, I always thought that my family would care just an ounce. I know you guys care, but the amount of indifference I have realize that exist in our family really destroyed how geninuely I thought you guys cared about me. Even when I was explicitly hurt emotionally, I was always left to deal with myself. The amount of indifference is crazy. I found my friends to be even more caring than I ever recieved from my family. But I really enjoyed the good times that we did have especially when dad was still around. However, that’s probably why it pains me to even think about my family.

And I want mom to know that when I cried at Dad’s funeral, I was truly hurting. I remember mom whispering in my ears about or probably just saying aloud in general at Dad’s funeral about how well we(siblings)/I was acting sad. I know mom was also hurting, but that does not mean it was okay for her to say that to any of us. I was in literal fucking pain. Also what happened before I moved out of the house was so not okay. All I wanted from mom was just to tell me, that everything would be alright and that it was okay for me to feel mad/hurt/sad.

But what I received was just invalidation and mom standing up for MV rightfully taking a large amount out of my account without my permission. While she proudly/angrliy throw money in my face, it will be something I will NEVER forget. And to lie about it, is crossing it for me. Sometimes, I don’t even feel like I am her daughter, but more like an extension of her rather than being seen as my own person worthy of loving and respect. I know you have your own trauma, and I know you only did your best as a mom.

But you have costed me a great deal of pain especially since I really cared about you as my mother. I didn’t care that Mom played favorites until this moment. This was the moment you were the most unloving towards me, and it finally registered to me how manipulative Mom can be. I still care for you as my Mother, but this family makes me question why I was born in the first place. And sometimes I wish I was never born because it doesn’t feel like I was born to be loved and supported by this family.

MV, I hope you know how much your actions pained me. You know I really trusted and looked up to you especially after my impression of MN shattered. I really thought you were someone who would never do something to hurt me at least to that extent. Or if you ever did, you would have geniunely apologize and feel bad for doing so because you cared about me.

Did you know how angry I was? And the fact that I couldn’t even convey that to you in real life because we were texting. My fingers eventually became so stiff that it was hard for me to even text properly. My whole body was aching because of how much adrenaline ran through me. I couldn’t stop crying for a couple of days because I didn’t know how to even control all the frustration, shock, and pain I was going through. There was so much emotions I was feeling, it had nowhere to go. It feel like I was so angry for no reason because I couldn’t even be angry at you in person. You know how shitty that feels? To have so much wrapped up in you, but you can’t even express it to the person who caused it?

It felt like hell you know. Even then you didn’t think it was important enough to come over and maybe talk to me. And you know what, saying that makes me feel like I am being so entitled even though I was hurt, but now I don’t care if you feel some type of way. I am pretty sure you were too tired to even deal with me. But you know, even then you still didn’t show up or even properly apologize.

But yes, you did show up that one day to say sorry. I was so overcome with anger and hurt that I hurled “I don’t want to see you right now”. And also knowing that it wasn’t that you felt the need to come and apologize on your own, but you needed someone to tell you to do that. It’s just beyond me. You really must not care about me, to think that you just fucked me over so easily and think, “Oh it’s fine”. You are fucked up. Best sister award must go to you. Then you just said I wanted to say sorry and just left. Up til now nothing from you.

But you know what sucked even more, when you told me “Oh you can get the money from Mom”. You know that was like a slap to my face. You, who took out my money without my consent, and decides to not take any accountability in giving me my money back, which YOU took from me. It shows just how you view me in your life, as someone you can just walk all over and you wouldn’t think twice. Couldn’t careless like the irresponsible person you are, especially if you don’t care about it.

I hope you never find out how it feels to have someone you cared about your whole life, someone who you call family, does something that feels so shitty to you and tells you to receive compensation from someone else, who was completely unrelated in your eyes. And yes, it was this bad.

MN, you know back when I was young and you were so toxic. And even now you are still that same old toxic person. I was geninuely surprise at how little you’ve grown as a person since then. You can’t even pretend to act like you know this because you have to somehow believe everything you did to me was justify.

Right now you are probably like so confused because this is how out of touch you are with reality. You like to believe how greatly you treated me or probably just blame me for you toxicity. Anything like that floats your boat. It’s like you are always after my ass because I see through your manipulative and toxicity as a person. You who think just because you bought me stuff and takes me out during my childhood, suddenly owe you my life. And when I called you out on that, you just became a literal monster in my opinion.

You still continue to hold this against me and you know how I know this? Literally because you automatically believed everything Mom told you and just accused me of being the sorry piece of shit, you believe I need to be. Unfortunately, I’m not. And seriously, I am so glad I blocked you because girl your energy is too much, you act fake asf. You know how I know because you only become like this when you feel the strong need the remind me that you are superior. And you do literally everything to show that you have control over me. You are really just sick in the head and man do I hope your kids will not ever experience that from you.

I understand you were one of the older child in our household, but man I did not deserve to be treated the way you treated me. My bond with you as a sister really fucked me up because I actually cared about you and looked up to you as an older sister. It’s amazing I didn’t notice how you literally used me as a servant. I was so dumb. Go ahead laugh at me for actually believing you were my big sister. You like to believe you were always there, but as much as you were there you were also not there. Yet, whenever you come back, you like to think you ran the house and still had the audacity to boss people around.

It was so annoying how you were always left off the hook. As much as you like to rub in my face about if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t get the freedom we did. That shit’s trash. I think you forgot the “Oh yeah you have to listen to Mom and Dad and help them, so you can’t have a life of your own because no one else cares”. Yeah that’s what you left out and also was like, “Yes, now I don’t have to cook and clean, go over to relatives house, nor do duties when we had a family gathering. You wanted to use me and us younger siblings, so that you didn’t have the bear the weight of that responsibility. So yeah stop acting like you revolutionize my life when in reality, you just want to manipulate me into doing shit for you.

You would gaslight me all the damn time which I didn’t realize at the time, even when I was so tired of arguing with you all the time and I tried to disengaged from conversing with you. Hoping that you would just stop, but no you didn’t instead it gave you more motivation to just rain hell on me just because you can. And man it just got worse for me when you got a dog. You always pushed my boundaries despite you knowing what happened to me as a little kid with dogs. You knew I had a phobia with dogs and yet you refused to even care. I guess you cared more about getting your way than my wellbeing. So much for being an older sister right? More like heartless, and obsess with controlling others for your own benefit.

I hope you remember the dog incident that happened that one night when you came to get us at Leeann Chin. You let Bell get on me and even brought her in the car with you to pick us up knowing full well, I was not comfortable with it. I hope you know that after Bell jumped up on me, and I was finally able to get up the stairs and run into my room, I automatically went into a panic attack which I didn’t even realize that was what it was. I literally couldn’t breathe, and no one was even there for me after witnessing what happened to me. Seeing how afraid I was that I immediately broke into tears, no one even came in to check on me. MV came up and brought me my food and just left. I probably would have passed out or maybe died, if I didn’t call my friend.

And you know what’s even worse, you not taking proper care of Bell. You really should be ashame of yourself. You had the audacity to get a dog and not even take care of it. Wtf is wrong with you. But no, you just wanna ***** about busy and tired you were. Stop taking on responsibilities that are too much for you. You are being an inconvenience to others. For goodness sake, stop only thinking about yourself. It’s disgusting and ugly. Even then you continued to push my boundaries and not give a shit when I told you that I was uncomfortable. So stop acting like you were a big sister to me because you lost the right to that a long time ago.

I also hope you remember that day when I came into work late at Leeann Chin for the second or third time I cannot bear to remember because of how traumatic it was for me. I was already in tears and felt so fucking guilty about being late. You know how shitty it felt, to already feel ashamed of being late again and then getting yelled at by YOU at work early in the morning. And all the while working through my tears trying to stop crying, you then come up to me and tell me you are writing me up. You know I really felt unloved by you right then and there. You felt like a stranger and if I still had any trust in you then, it pretty much vanish right there. I was only able to put up with so much, dude I was so fucking young man. And I hope you know I am not stupid as to be so blind to see you be bias towards MV when she was late to work.

And just so you know, because of you I get so stressed out about being on time. I always make sure to arrive early. Now I despise being late. I hope you are happy because I developed anixety about arriving on time now. You fucking did it, congrats for bitching at me at that time and writing me up. I hope you felt good watching me cry at work. You are such a sick person to be around really. You like to watch me in pain and rub salt in my wound. It was my first job bro. Again you and your sick ass obsession with controlling and asserting authority because you feel inferior or some shit if you can’t make someone feel pain.

I hope you know that I knew what you were doing then and still now. So don’t try to say some bullshit about how I only come to you when I need help. If me merely asking for help on some documents once in a blue moon made you feel that offended, then I don’t even know what to say. I hope you fix that toxicity of yours, not for me, but for your kids. But honestly, I doubt you would blink twice, you definitely care so much more about your righteous self than you can ever care about someone else. Because I deserve it. I hope you know it’s because of you that I am unable to feel any sense of self worth, you destroyed that part of me back then already. Really though, I am so curious what made you believe that I needed to be drag through the mud and left in hell? I geniuely wonder how you are capable of doing this shit to me and still believe you are my honorable sister. Tell me.

PT, I hope you know how fake you are as a brother. I get that you are going through life struggles, but man dude you are so fucking fake. You are my brother, but I know deep down you don’t give a fuck. I admit, it was always really fun to play games with you all the time but that’s like it. That’s how shitty of a brother you. You really think that being emotional is some sort of weakness and you see me as that.

And I am not trying to paint myself as a saint and say everything I think is right. But you are so high in your head that just because I don’t think the same way or “act tough” means I am weak and stupid. Yet you always make me feel weak and stupid. I still remember when I had ask you for help to lift that huge bowl of water in the basement when me and H was washing vegetables and you were with K going into your room. You literally ignored me. Sure I guess you could’ve not hear me, but seriously you looked at me and made eye contact. And I hope you know that you repetitively done that when I had ask you to help with other things. But don’t worry I am still grateful for all the car rides you gave me. And for that I say thank you. But I hope you know that I know you rather help your older siblings and your relatives than ever helping me out when I did ask you for help. I am not that naive and blind to see that you care and rather help people who you deemed as more beneficially to help.

I lost all trust I ever had in you and I hope you know I naively once thought you were the better one out of all our brothers. But nah you turned out to be fake asf acting all high and mighty just because you were one step or two steps ahead. You love flaunting how smart and intelligent you are. And you would feel so good about yourself watching me humilate myself. You think that’s you being smart? No *****, that’s you bullying your own blood because you are sick like that, to get a kick out of it. You are just as disgusting.

Even when I was playing games with you and Y. Anytime anything went wrong, you would immediately blame me for everything. To the extent of getting mad and constantly criticize me like the trash of a human being you are. Just because you had your share of feeling inferior, you want to project that shit on to me so you get some high on feeling superior. And because Y was older and a guy, he somehow never makes mistakes? Fuck you and Y. So much for being an intelligent person, cause you look dumb asf rn.

I get prioritizing your own needs first, but when you only do that to certain people they do know that you are doing that. And I hope you know that I really did care for you at least as my brother. Only that you didn’t see any value in it, but it’s okay I’ve made peace with it. I hope you never experience this feeling of betrayal from people you never expect to treat you like this. It really sucks, but you wouldn’t know cause you hate emotions and only know how to get angry as much as you try to front with jokes and all.

And you know that one time before I went away for a week in St. Cloud. I will NEVER forget the way you got angry so fast at me over algae. I almost want to laugh. I really don’t give a fuck about any shit you were going through cause did you ever give a fuck about how I ever felt. Not once. You were so disgusting then and forever since. Just cause you had a bad day, you want to ***** at me.

Y, you know you are just like PT. But you are actually nicer in terms that if you can do it you will do it and communicate when you can’t which I respect. But the thing about you is that you literally can be so indifferent and sooooo unempathizing. The amount of indifference in you is crazy and of course you are not the only one. You literally don’t know how to read the room at at all. You always be joking and always take it so far. Even when asked to stop you never do, but joke even more. You pretend to care or maybe you do care to some extent, but that’s about it. Actions are only taken if necessary according to your needs. You never try to understand when I was hurting or expressing it emotionally. And instead you see it as a bother.

Like when I slept on the floor in your room prior to moving out. But regardless, I was still so thankful you still let me sleep there, but man did that sting like a *****. Again like PT, it’s like emotions is some foreign type shit that makes someone look weak. It was always weird to me that even when I was crying or seriously emotionally hurt, it never occur to you that I would want you to validate my hurt or asked me what’s wrong and help in ways you can. It’s weird how if you were to be angry I had to react to that and respect that you are angry.

But when I was hurt emotionally you never felt the need to react or care. It makes me think if you were ever a brother that actually cared about me. And don’t even try to excuse it with the car rides you gave me. For that I am thankful, which is why I did buy you food from time to time and tried to make it up. But honestly, I hope you know that I know you only act like you care to get what you want. That’s only if you had any interest/benefit in the first place. But just know I did still fucking cared about you as a brother. Even if you also didn’t value that.


And for S and T, ya just GMFU.I hope ya know that just because you are older does not mean you get to disrespect the people you live with and mom. You guys like to think that you are older so you are somehow superior and that the way you think is always correct. You guys are so narrow minded that you get mad so easily just because someone doesn’t agree with you. The fact that you guys know that you have a bad temper and act on impluse just because you can is truly disgusting.

I was proud to call you my brothers, but when you easily become somebody else when it doesn’t favor you is really despicable. I still remember the time ya resorted to violence. I hope you know that violence never produces a positive outcome, it can only continue to hurt others while you feel good temporarily being able to force the ball into your court. And it really blows my mind that, you guys are okay with using violence to get your way. I hope you know that even if you had trauma and shit, it’s never okay to project that shit. And especially when it comes down to it, ya never even want to step up to the plate. You talk and act all big and shit only when it suits your favors. It almost feels like I didn’t grow up with older brothers, but just people who want to project their trash onto me because they can’t handle it themselves.

And honestly S, I really feel bad for your kids because I know they are going to grow up with trauma since you refuse to get your temper in control. And before you try to be like, You are not me you don’t understand. I don’t need to be you to know that what you are doing is right or wrong. I wish you got help, but nah you think this is normal and continue to act like it’s not negatively impacting the people in your life because in the end you prioritize what you want, which is your way. Well, I am here to tell you, it does negatively impact the people who care about you, like your kids, your wife and everyone else around you.

But because no one is good enough for you to listen to, you decide to continue living and not give a fuck about people who are affected by your terrible temper. Continue to live in your bubble and surround your self with lies that makes you feel better because somehow ONLY you deserve that and no one else does. Please know that you are inconvenincing others and people have to pick up after your shit because you refuse to believe you leave shit around nor pick it up.

I hope you still remember everything that you’ve done to me when I was younger. But it’s unlikely because you don’t have the ability to feel guilt and care for someone other than yourself. The screaming in my face. The telling me to get a job when I was literally incapable since I was not legally able to start working. The violence you displayed whenever you were angry. I still remember when you threw shit at people just like T. Believe me, they still remember the shit you did. So great job on going from being a great brother to a shitty, fickle, and violent brother. That’s the story you will forever leave behind.

I hope you know that I know you don’t care enough to fix that part of yourself because then, you will have to compromise with other people. I honestly, don’t know why you act like no one respect you when always force others to respect you. If you can’t even admit your own faults and change, don’t force that same idea onto others. I hope you still remember when you got angry at me because I had ask you to do your own dishes. The amount of selfishness and violence you express when someone mention they need help or that they want you to help out more is absurd. Over dishes, you broke over your own fucking dishes. Don’t fucking eat then. Yet, you know how to eat, but don’t know how to clean after yourself.

I hope you know that you are incredibly selfish and disgusting to not care about the wellbeing of those who actually cares for you. Continue to take that shit for granted just because you can. And just know how lucky you are. It’s because of you, I can’t even imagine how that must feel like. You probably don’t even understand what I said, because you literally like to think only the things you do matter the most so everyone else is just lazy but you. Go ahead, get mad like you always do. Be fucking defensive and go on about how spoiled of a brat I am for even telling you this.I hope you never have to  feel like you are constantly let down by people who you are suppose to be able to rely on only to find out they don’t care about your wellbeing.

It’s also funny, how you get scared by getting jumped by Black people, yet you are okay asserting the same exact fear onto your own family members. Maybe it’s karma cause I can careless about someone who treats me and the people around them like a disposable trash bag for their emotions and violence to be released onto.

T, you always love to joke and shit when it comes to others especially when it’s something important to them. You’ve always humilated me when I was young. I get that driving people places is tiring and you know I get it. I get how hard it is having to work, come back home and then having to leave to pick someone else up. But man, you know, you always made me beg all the way down onto my knees just to make you feeling like considering if you should come pick me up or drop me off. And of course this didn’t always extend to just me.

This was happening whenever Y or someone working late needing a ride. You know how much guilt I had bearing the responsibility of making sure someone had a ride home all the time. I always felt bad each time I had to wake dad up to go get them. Cause I knew dad had to get up early the next morning. This shit ate me up because my older siblings refuse to get their shit together and take responsibility.

Why tf did you not go wake dad up if you couldn’t go? Why put all the pressure on me, I literally had nothing to do in that situation. None of my responsibility. Yet, I still cared because this was my family even if they didn’t have all their shit together. I took the blunt hit for not waking dad up earlier to go pick up Yia. Yeah I got scolded by Dad because I didn’t wake him up earlier.

I hope you still remember the two times when I called home to get a ride and you refused to. The first was when I was still in middle school. I bet you remember, because you had to talk with one of the school staff since I had tried asking and you wouldn’t come. I hope you know how embarassed I felt, that a stranger knows that my older siblings refuse to come pick me up because they just didn’t care. Embarassed because my brother choose to be unreliable because they simply didn’t want to. You could have contact someone else to come, but you didn’t cause that’s just too much work. Yeah I hope you know you were trash for that and it shows that you literally just don’t care.

Then the second time was in highschool. It dark and I called home for a ride. And of course it was you. Again, jokingly saying you weren’t going to come. I tried asking nicely and I was in front of teachers and students and didn’t want them to think there was any problems. I really was at the end of my rope then. But you just like to keep pushing on jokingly like you had all the time in your life because you can. How brotherly of you. I just hung up on the verge of tears because I whole heartedly pleaded with you, but again you felt so good about holding this shit above my head, it didn’t matter how the other person felt. Heck, you probably didn’t care cause again emotions are “stupid and weak”.

Honestly, it felt so good to be picked up by mom and dad. And I was able to leave you in the dust cause it felt at least like once I was able to make you feel just a ounce of what I felt. Again, you love to toy with people’s vulnerabilities so much that it’s fucked up. As a brother, you make the bare minimum look high class.

Why?

It’s really funny how the word ‘family’ is thrown around so easily, when I brought up how we had issues as family or when I hold people accountable for how they treated me as family. If family means to suffer for others to be able to live their life smoothly while I slowly die because I have no family that cares or can even understand why I am saying this. You all want to act like family, go ahead because as long as you are okay no one else matter right. It was never only like that, but now it’s ONLY ever like that.

But I can’t, because you all make me feel like a stranger in this “family”. I can’t even expect emotional support from this so call family because my feelings and pain was always neglected. As much as I am grateful for all the support I received, it doesn’t compare to all the pain and trauma that came along with it. And I hope you know that I did try to put in effort, but I hope you ALL know you didn’t care about family. Or even think of trying to put in equal effort. You only care about family when it is conveninent for you. Go ahead and continue lying to yourself and play family all you want because I am done pretending to be family.

And man, all you older siblings really take for granted the support you received from Mom and Dad. It’s my reality that I can NEVER receive that same support because Dad is gone and Mom is only able to do so much. But no, you guys want to strongly believe that I am so lucky and spoiled all my life. Therefore, spare me no support. You all have never consistently supported me. Instead left me in the dust to deal with shit on my own, because I need to do it on my own in your opinion. I don’t deserve support apparently. And when I say support I am talking about geniunely support without conditions that only works for your personal gain or due to feeling obligated.

Any of the support I did receive, it was never done with I care and love you that’s why I am doing this for you. It was always, Ugh why me, go ask someone else. I was always having to hop from person to person and over and over again asking for help. I had to bend over backwards for help, be glad you didn’t have to grow up feeling like you were suppose to be loved and supported by your own family, just to find out they actually don’t give a fuck. Yet, the expectations of me contributing my “worth” was always sky high. You guys always guilt trip me about how unworthy I am since I couldn’t do xyz. It worked, even now I still don’t feel like I do enough for you guys. And it will continue to never be enough for you people, but that’s a you problem not mine to carry.

But you all better realize that you would have NEVER made to where you are WITHOUT mom and dad. Be fucking glad, you at least had mom and dad’s support growing up because I never will be able to experience that nor have I ever had that experience once in my life. And even if I did, well I hope you know all the shit you all did have overshadowed it by far. None of you would even begin to understand how much.

Words and actions really do impact people. Just because you say we’re family, it doesn’t magically fix the emotional trauma and neglect you caused me. You all can easily say “we’re family” yet your actions say otherwise. At least admit, that much but I give up in believing any of you can do that. Imagine how self absorb all my older siblings are. Since all your life is going so well, my opinions and wellbeing is not enough to make any of you think for a second to actually care about me. And DO NOT EVEN TRY SAYING you cared, because you didn’t. You never did. If you ever did cared it was about yourself not anyone else, which is valid. But the fact that you all refuse to think that all the things you did as “family” is justified, is what disgusts me. I live pretty honestly, so I know you all didn’t care during the lows only during the highs of being family.

However, I do want to apologize to MT. I really, really appreciate you as my little sister. You are the only person on this planet, that I believe you were able to understand where I am coming from. You made me feel less lonely, because I really felt alone and even more the older I grew up despite the many older siblings we have. But this trauma that we carry is much too big for me to handle. I feel like I failed you as your older sister, even though we are only around a year apart. I really felt like it was my fault when the incident with your ex happened. And I am so sorry. I feel so ashame of myself and I only wish the best for you geniunely. But I crossed the line, I should have known to stop. You were the only person that cares to talk to me when I was going through things. And acknowledging the things that happens in our family. And I really appreciate it even though it still feels cringy for me to say I love you.

But know that I chose to kill myself because my family was incapable of being there for me when I really needed them. And yes, MV and PT knew about me when I first felt suicidal. But even then you both just probably thought it was a joke even though I was desperately crying for help. Telling me to not think about the things that are happening really did nothing for me, but thanks I guess. Nothing changed and even now still nothing has change. I can’t live with how unloveable our family is. You all have disappointed me over and over to the point where I feel like all I can do is kill myself.

All your actions, words, lack of sympathy, lack of caring, and lacking as a family has pushed me to the literal brink of death. I hope you are happy knowing I won’t burden you anymore now that I am gone forever. I hope we never meet whether in another life time or whatever. I hate you all especially when I really gave everything I could as a sister and daughter, who only asked for nothing but love and support. It was already hard having to face the reality that I can only ever find the love and support from my friends. If you all still refuse to believe this, I like you to really ask yourself what did you do out of love and support for me consistently throughout my entire life? Really ask yourself that, or continue to lie to yourself whatever.

I hope you all live with the guilt and suffer the consequences of your actions that has drove me to kill myself. You all love to live like your actions has no consequences, but outside our immediate family you seem to understand this concept well. It’s disturbing how unfaze you all are to sacrifice and operate for the sake of the people outside, but not blink twice for your immediate family like me.

You all just continue to take and take and never truly even give but you have the consicous to understand it’s too much for you. Yet, you don’t find anything wrong with always taking from someone who barely made it through college. There is literally 6 of you, yet no one ever thought to care, only dad ever cared even when he didn’t understand. He definitely baby the fuck out of you all grown ass adults, yet the lot of you wanna talk BS about always having to help mom and dad out. But you all took that shit for granted even up til his passing. We held out as a family because Dad and Mom always held the fort down.

Dad was always the person to show up consistently even when he is tired, exhausted, and sick. And man, you all make me sick when Dad was dealing with cancer. To have the aduacity to talk in front of Dad about who couldn’t take off work and shit. If you think that made you look responsible in front of Dad, you’re dead wrong. Way to make dad feel like a burden before he passed. The ignorance in you older siblings makes me sick. The lack of compassion is disgusting to no end.

I doubt me dying faze any of you. In fact, I am just glad to be gone because I’m so tired of having to carry around all your shit because you are all too self absorb to ever think that somebody other than yourself could be hurting and struggling. It must feel so nice that you have a family that you can trust and rely on, because I don’t. My family only care about themselves and how they look to the people outside.

Sometimes I wonder to myself what wrong did I do, to deserve being treated like this by people who were suppose to be my family. So I want to know, Mom, MV, MN, PT, Y, S, and T, what did I do to you that you felt the need to treat me like trash? I am geniunely curious why I am treated worse by my so call family versus my friends and even coworkers? What did I do to you all? Did I traumatize you, if so how? Did I cause you pain? What exactly did I do to you that gave you the right to make me feel this way? Gave you all the right to hurt me and leave me to deal with it all by myself. Give me a fucking answer because I’m fucking piss at each and everyone of you. You all failed me miserably.

I am turning 23 and all I discover is that I don’t have one. And I chose to die because I am not strong enough to get through the pain my family has continously inflicted onto me. And know that the reason why I am hurting so bad is because I actually thought you all were my family. But it looks like I thought wrong and now I cannot live with myself for being blind for so long. Blind to the pain I endured because of family. Blind to the poor treatment from my family, who I thought cared and supported me.

I want you all to know, it was because of you all that I rather be dead than be alive because you all choose to hurt me and forget about it like the assholes you are. Go ahead, now you all can be the perfect happy family you pretend to be.

************

For my dear friends and roommates, ya was the best thing that ever happened in my life. Guarantee, we’re not all perfect but you guys were probably the closest thing I had to family I’ve ever had in life. So thank you for allowing me to feel loved and cared for. And honestly, I don’t think you guys understand how much I mean that and how much it meant to me. I didn’t realize how bad it really was with my family.

I was at the end of my rope, I could only tell a few people about me feeling suicidal. It’s not that I didn’t trust you or anything, so please don’t take it personally. I am quite private about my life, thoughts, and struggles because I am hypersensitive when it comes to burdening someone. And I really hate having to explain myself over and over and sometimes feel invalidate when I do talk about certain things. Although I understand it is merely because some of you don’t get it. But regardless I did what was the best for me, so I hope you all support me for the last time.

And I am not going to lie, it was too much for me to handle. And when I mentioned low self esteem, it was not just body image, but quite literally my self worth. And I don’t think many of you can really understand where I am coming from, probably Baobai is the closest person who can comprehend it.

I never felt like I was enough or worthy to be worried or even cared for hence why I hate being in the spotlight. And I would honestly feel incredibly anxious and probably breakdown if anyone showed their worry for me. It feels foreign to me which makes me incredibly uncomfortable to the point of breaking down cause I don’t know how else to feel. I can’t even fully express the emotions I feel because even I don’t fully understand it.

I don’t intend for everyone to understand how ashamed I feel about being so down. About how hard it is, to feel like you have no one in the world. I know you guys will be like, well you have me. But it’s not the same and please be realistic about it, as my friends you can only support me so much. I already feel lucky enough that you all actually care about me or at least I like to believe so. And honestly, I don’t think I can bear knowing that some of you don’t because as much as I was distant I still deeply care about each and everyone of you. And I am sorry for letting you guys down.

It’s more about me not being able to feel like I am validated, to not feel so alone when I do have people I can trust around me. It’s having people that can actually relate to the things I am going through with my family. It’s being able to have people understand even if I did not explain everything. It’s having people knowing what it feels like even if I couldn’t put it into words. It’s feeling like I belong. And currently, I do not feel like I belong anywhere.

It’s hard to get out of something that I am not even able to understand in the first place. I did try researching ways for me, to better understand myself and be able to help myself. I found comfort in strangers who commented on YouTube videos because it felt like for the first time I can relate and not feel so alone.

I was in constant pain and it felt like nothing could stop me from feeling it because in the end, I still naively care. I wish you all the best and I’m sorry that I cannot be there physically to witness all the milestones you all will succeed in life. But I know you are all strong and will make it through just fine. Because reality is, life moves on. Good luck and I wish you all the best. ??

And lastly, B I am glad to have talked with you. It felt nice to feel understood for the first time. It makes me wish I had gotten to know you better and maybe I could’ve stay longer. And of course the forbbiden words *cringe*