heyy, it’s been a while since I posted. time for an update!
I have received a diagnosis. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s correct. My psychiatrist tells me I have adjustment disorder and major depressive disorder. Which is not completely off the mark, I guess. I have some of the symptoms of depression, but so does half the DSM. I don’t really care anymore. None of my symptoms match up completely with any illness, so this is the closest anyone is going to get. Besides, people are always giving their own opinions on my experience, and I’m tired of listening to them.
In other news, I recently discovered that I experience delusions. Plot twist!!! My grasp on reality is questionable at best. I would tell you the delusion I experience but I am deeply ashamed of it. I lived half a year thinking it was real and now I’m scared to admit I was wrong. I’ve also gone through some mild paranoia. I don’t know what to do with this knowledge. It explains a lot, though.
In terms of my recovery, it is not going well. I’ve stopped seeing my therapist. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live a normal life. Best I can do is live in a state of perpetual dissociation. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down is distracting myself. And sleeping.
anyways, here’s some more poetry.
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paralyzed
jackrabbit pinned to place
a butterfly on a corkboard
by the blazing headlights of a future
the red-blue siren call, pulsing with
the promise of changing your mind
you can always do it
but you still always remember
the mere possibility of being alive
tonight, tomorrow, two days later
agonizing, dragging days later
the jittering slide of a corpse against concrete
blood pebbling all across the sidewalk
heave and push of your breath
ingrained like the weeds springing through
5 comments
I’m sorry, delusions sound really hard to deal with. I’m not a psychiatrist, but whether or not you have a diagnosis, can’t you treat the symptoms? I know a guy with schizophrenia, and he had complex hallucinations until he was put on some medication right before his diagnosis.
Yeah, I think antipsychotics help a lot with those, obviously I might react differently to medication but I’ve got my fingers crossed. Also I think stress is a big trigger for me so avoiding stress is useful for managing my symptoms.
Adjustment disorder… I’ve never heard of that. It sounds interesting, to say the least.
Sometimes, even in the scariest of times in your life, distractions bring out your inner child… Like, for example, if I went missing here, and my username was famously shouted out by famous people, in a bad light, I would use the same username and flirt with a youtube pornstar… making her believe those shout-outs were meant for her… so then that way, no matter how bad the comment, it would boost whatever she had goin. xB hahaaa xD I don’t think I’m good at explaining things… but sometimes, you can see things differently…
God, I’m bad at this, like a divorced dad at christmas decorations….
Waxing and waning delusions are hard to adjust to, that’s for sure.
And to the above, the youtube pornstar would eventually end up giving me a request and say my username…. hysteria and anonymity… sending flies… creativity is a delusion … god… not sure if I’m making sense…