Free within a box

For last 4 years I was at my parents house. Now I’ve again left it.

There was nothing there. There is nothing here. There is nothing bloody anywhere. No salvation in this trapped existence. Where do I go? What do I do? What is worth doing? Nothing. There is nothing worth doing.

It’s not such a bad thing tbh. It’s just human nature I guess to never be satisfied, never be at peace.

Whatever I do is just a distraction. I’ve purchased a VR headset and I quite like playing a table tennis game in it. Recently reached top 500 rank. Or youtube videos. I try to feel some content/matter from right wing videos because I like their conviction, while I myself am left. Communist. Though I don’t stop there. I envision a system where people willingly work. Like video game. People spend their time and energy in a video game on their own will. So if we create a system where people willingly spend their time and energy on work because they’re enthusiastic about it, I think that will be a much better system.

I’ve cleared my theory. I have no doubt remaining there. I remember the day I did. I was feeling a pressure in my mental space. “Pregnant in head”, as Nietzsche put it. And suddenly the thought came. I felt pure clarity. Every single of my doubt cleared. This one thought was like the singular point towards which every of my doubt thought was pointed. And when this thought arose, all doubt thoughts evaporated. This thought was basically about practicality of Truth. We don’t need absolute truth. What we need is the truth for humans. Which is the answer to question “What to do?”. We seek absolute truth, like origin of universe, origin of life etc, to get answer to this question. So absolute truth is secondary to us. Now, whatever be the absolute truth, it has already happened. It’s not like our finding it will change it. It has already happened, it has produced us. And it has given us freedom of action. We can do whatever we want. That’s the Practical Truth of humans. That’s the truth that matters. Our truth-seeking cannot change the past. Human will remain as he is whether he knows the absolute truth or not. What matters is present, which is the our reality. In which we have freedom of action.

Well that’s the theory. I bless the day this simple thought occurred to me because since that day I haven’t delved in theoretical studies and thinkings at all. I am clear from theoretical side. Which was a big burden on me.

But this theory hasn’t permeated into my practical life yet.

What do I do with my life? While there is freedom of action, there is no action worth doing. I can’t beat death, I can’t change laws of nature. I will grow old, I will get sick, I will die. My mind needs to remain result oriented in order for me to survive in world, but survival is pointless when I look at it from above.