I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m too afraid to end it. Unless/until something drastic changes, like becoming homeless or serious illness, I’m going to be sticking around. I’ve spent years questioning whether it would be preferable to overcome that fear and go through with it. But I’ve found no consistent answer, and without that I just don’t have it in me.
So if I’m going to be stuck here, the next question that arises is how to make things as bearable as I can. That seems to be an even more complicated question. A significant part of me believes that I deserve to suffer, for the things I’ve done in my past, for the things I still do, for what I am. I wouldn’t say I was evil in an absolute sense, but I’ve certainly gone further down the path of evil than most would ever consider. And the key thing about evil is that it feels really, really fucking good. Like the best feeling you can imagine. Of course if you have a conscience then you eventually have to face the worst feelings you can imagine. It’s not worth it, but you may not realise that until you go so far over the line that you can’t see the point of even trying to find your way back.
So I deserve to suffer, to the extent that anyone deserves anything. I’m sure society in general would prefer that I suffer if they knew what I’d done. The part of me that wants to be socially connected attempts to make that happen. “See how miserable and regretful I am? If I just make myself miserable enough, will you forgive me?” But there can be no forgiveness. And generally, I don’t want to suffer, more than is necessary. It doesn’t make me a better person. It just gives me more pain than I feel able to bear and try to escape from, trapping me in dangerous destructive cycles. It doesn’t help anyone.
So, on the basis that no good is served by my suffering (unless you believe in some kind of existential justice), it makes sense to try and minimize my misery. More complications though. I’m insanely lonely and have a deep desire for intimacy, but even if I could find someone who wanted to be with me, it seems deeply unethical to allow someone else to put their trust in me, when I’m so untrustworthy. I can’t be honest with anyone about my past. The consequences would destroy my family and be worse than death for me. So either I remain alone, and suffer, or I deceive someone into believing I’m a worthwhile partner. Isolation made me into the terrible person that I am. But if I break it, is that just perpetrating another evil?
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It’s almost comical that I find myself offering this nugget…but isn’t there a possibility, even if it’s exponentially remote, that breaking the isolation and allowing intimacy could…change things?
“…so you’re telling me there’s a chance…”
There seems to be the possibility that it would make me a better person… but at the same time it would require deceiving someone and involving them in my dysfunction, which seems deeply wrong. So it’s a tricky one.
it just may happen that the things within yourself that inspire you to be kinder to yourself might also attract another… there are many broken people in the world, seeking out others who feel similarly broken would at least temporarily sate your desire for company.
In a strictly platonic sense; I find your writing interesting, which is a finite quantity in a world of people who write poorly. Thus, you are an original, worth spending time discussing such things with….
then again, I don’t even know if I believe in evil anymore; only kind and cruel, and even those are matters of perspective.
It may do, though the question then becomes to what extent I should warn people off, given the knowledge that they would be repulsed by the reality. I suppose temporary friendships and relationships seem less deceptive because they tend to involve placing less trust in a person, but if more long-term bonds form and I become a bigger part of someone’s life, it starts to feel more like a wrong I’ve done to them.
Thank you, my writing is something I take time over as I find it difficult to express myself. I wouldn’t claim to be original though, at least not in any positive sense, and unfortunately I quickly run out of things to say in actual real-time conversation.
Evil is just a popular descriptor, but I could say there is a large streak of cruelty within me, which I find myself alternately captivated and appalled by.
what if you were brutally honest from the get go? not oversharing, but as intimacy and trust increase, also increasing vulnerability and honesty
another thing, therapist told me, possibly best relationship advice I ever got; a romantic partner doesn’t need to know everything, and usually doesn’t want to either
there are some wars to be fought within ourselves, thoughts that it is not only okay to keep to self, but kind and generous to keep quiet
I spread my darker self over several people, so none of them have a total picture of my depravity. Also, we all have tendencies towards cruelty, it’s what we do with them that matters.
* post script, if you were to read my entire history on here, you might have a near total picture of my depravity, but even then it is spread over years of posts and responses, such that the size of the task makes it impractical, and human memory is fallible
There are all manner of shameful things that I could potentially reveal to someone I trusted, but I couldn’t risk disclosing anything about this most disturbing side of myself. If it got out it would destroy what remains of my life as well as the wellbeing of my family. And anyone morally decent might feel the need to expose it.
I agree that not everything needs to be shared with a partner, but things that relate to the fundamental nature of someone’s character seem wrong to conceal, if you know that your partner wouldn’t be able to accept the truth. If it ever came out (and I can’t guarantee that it wouldn’t), I believe it would be truly devastating to someone who had invested trust in me. If I found out similar things about someone in my family (say my dad), it would totally break our relationship.
No one knows except for a couple of past therapists, and I unfortunately have to keep it that way.
I also agree that everyone has the potential for cruelty within them, but in my case that goes totally beyond the boundaries of what’s tolerable. I think I channel it in less potentially harmful directions these days, and I’m trying to do better still going forward. But it’s such a huge and powerful part of my mind.