this is why it isn’t safe to hope

Today sucked, as has most of the last year, but today distilled it all down, into why I have no faith in my life.

My therapist canceled. I’m sure for a completely rational reason, but he canceled on a day I really needed him. First I needed to process my wife falling through my kitchen floor Easter evening, but also I needed help figuring out how to deal with it, I’m flying solo and am a notoriously destructive force in that area.

We had also set this morning as a time to try and get me with a social worker to get a job….. now that has to wait another week too.

right, so that would be enough, right? I think that’s plenty of sorrow and misery to heap onto my already unhappy life, BUT I WAS WRONG!

I get home and my ex wife has messaged me, nagging me about selling the house. God, I want to sell the house, but there are so many problems, not the least of which is that my Ex wife married a military officer and is set for life, her being on my mortgage is the ONLY dark spot on an otherwise stellar existence.

I guess I thought, you know, she cheated, she overstepped boundaries, she would suffer, you know? a bit, maybe not forever, but some would be fair, right? I don’t see it. She completed grad school debt free, and now because of her fantastic support system she is thriving in the career field that roundly rejected me.

Then I talk to my dad, and he nags me about getting a job………. okay, yes, right now I’m having persistent thoughts that death would be better, might call the hotline, for all the good that will do….. One of these days, the pain will be too great, and that is as hopeful as is safe to be. I’m going to die, eventually, and that’s UP from HERE