–

i’ve written the below all out trying to vent my feelings out in a more positive way. its helped a bit, but i still feel raw. i’m not expecting anyone to respond, i just know putting this out here to people who may listen might help me get back to a somewhat level head.

Exhaustion. Drained, whatever you call it. I don’;t care anymore. ‘Blood is pounding in my head and it just keeps going. im tired. nothing changes. i do something, only to be set back to square one because of my own failure. its not pessimism, its realism. the reality i’ve been pushing away every pill i take eventually overcomes me and im forced to look in the mirror. to see whats facing it. for some, it turns out great. they improve their self-image, and get better and better. i’ve tried that. but i always let it slip through my fingers. am i that lazy or am i just addicted to hating myself? maybe even both. i don’t care anymore. im just exhausted. i want this endless loop to end. so redundant to keep trying it feels like. why not just cut to the chase and get it over with? save time and energy and end this hell in my head. the irony of how i self-inflict this is so clear to me now. i have no saving grace about me. nothing that allows me the opportunity to get back on my feet.

the worst part is how this affects the ones i love. i try to keep them out of my headspace, keep them out of my annoying and constant mood, but it gets so tiring. my lethargy affects the ones i live with, i don’t do anything for them, im a constant weight on them, and they get nothing but an empty look back in return. its pathetic, like supporting the world’s most expensive rock. much easier to throw it out the window, but its nothing they could do to me, so their stuck. and even as i know this, even as im aware of what im doing to them, i am so pathetically lazy i don’t get up and find work, or even do the most basic tasks. I’m the absolute definition of a failure. at least some are just oblivious to what they do – im actively aware and still fail.

i dont even want to die. ive tried so many times but even that im too pathetic to pull off. i give myself marks to “punish” but what the hell does that even do in the long run? im just trying to give myself reason to keep going by eliminating some inexecusable guilt. and it only affects the ones i live with negatively. i die, and that mark stains them for the rest of their lives.

and so here i am, just waiting. i know i don’t have a right to complain, but it hurts so much. every fucking day im just sitting for 10 hours and just pretend nothings wrong, i just lie and lie and im wanting them to quit asking to make it easier, because i know even if i say the truth it changes nothing. i’ve done this before. i’ve seen the road. i don’t wanna make any detours. its getting hard to even cry. im just so done with it. i just want it to stop.