Self made padded room

I am in a very bad place mentally, so indescribable and confusing I don’t think I could ever explain it to anyone. It stripped me out of fluent sentences or logic, and my thoughts get cut off midway when I try to record them down. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg I can’t write out, I can’t remember clearly either.

yesterday I completely lost my mind and could not go about a second without being completely drowned by thoughts or triggering memories. So I set a rule to not write or draw or make a single noise, and not cry or breath loud unless my brain gets uncontrollably loud. The rule was to not generate a single thought or leave an evidence of yesterday’s psychotic behavior. I was not to speak or hear anything that could make my head weird. I played white noise inside my ear buds, loud enough to silence my thoughts, then held a white screen in front of my eyes. Later I moved on to watching a movie, no noise, no thoughts, it went okay, though I had to scream at times because my brain itched so bad. I don’t even know if it was that bad, I exaggerate everything. It took a long time to repress everything down even for a person like me but it worked, I woke up pretty sane with little memory of yesterday, and because I tried to cry as less as possible yesterday my eyes aren’t swelling too bad as well. I don’t know what my point is. Yesterday was the first time I can remember where my mother sincerely told me to go see a doctor, she’s about 4 years too late. I don’t want to get better anymore. She doesn’t have to worry, because I’m past the stage of wanting to die in the depth of it as well. My death won’t mean a thing, I don’t need to end the suffering because everybody experiences it, and I, my words aren’t coming together. I used to write such consistent, pretty things. Nothing match up anymore. I better stop writing before I make myself get bad. But to let her know, she’ll never know, I don’t care to die anymore. If she came to me four years early, none of this would happen. I don’t need to remind myself of anything else anymore. I need to find a way to end this. I hope everyone gets inside my head to see for themselves, but instead I am inside everyone else’s head, I can read them but not, I need to shut up. Shut up. Good night.