Been a long time since I posted here. I wish I could say it was because things were going okay, but that is not the case. One person can only handle so much. Thing don’t always get better, but they can always get worse. That’s where I have been and that’s where I am at… a continuous downward cycle of abuse, disrespect and bullying. That’s been my life. Too many bad choices and surrounded by cruel people. Living with my poor choices is not easy. There should be forgiveness for mistakes and there is none. Just the wicked never rest or walk away. I have collected a bunch of cliches, sadly they are true. Experience is a cruel teacher. I have contemplated suicide intermittently since I was a child. 1st time I tried I was 10. Sexual and emotional abuse. Had a few good years in my 20’s and early 30’s but downhill from there. Now I can’t think of a day in the last 20 years that the thought didn’t pass my mind. Did a lot of research too. There are a lot of success stories. A few failures too. That is what has stopped me these last few years. I could be a failure and even worse situation than now. I have no friends, no family .. if I don’t do it right , well things can always get worse. Even talked to a therapist for several years, waste of time and money. So sad when i think about my youth and the few happy times. My life is truly a wasted life. The only thing I got is a wasted talent. I regularly contribute to the animal shelter for decades. That’s it. I do finally have a plan though. I think a good one too. Pray for me it’s not another failure, otherwise I could be in a lot of trouble. The only people who have my back are the ones who stab it.
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grain of salt- I’m in a bad suicidal tailspin so my perspective isn’t exactly unbiased. But dude everything you wrote is so fucking true. “Things don’t always get better, but they can always get worse.” I would add that things are stacked against us for the worse. Age. Physical breakdown. Mental deterioration. These things are inevitable. Not to mention our value to society which tanks in the 2nd half of our life. I would say things always get worse. And if they haven’t yet, then just wait a decade or two.
Funny you mentioned helping out the animal shelter as one of your few highlights. same here. my life has been a nonstop crash & burn but I helped out a couple dogs & cats in my lifetime. when it comes time to die that will be my only good thought.
I don’t even have the strength to end this with a hypocritical “HANG IN THERE”. We’re fucked.
“My life is truly a wasted life” & “I regularly contribute to the animal shelter for decades” just don’t add up. Life not spent in helping non-human animals out of their suffering is truly the wasted life – which maybe makes up 99% of us and I envy you on being the 1%. If there be any god(s) out there, it/they’ll probably ask when the show’s over – how many ‘lower’ creatures we helped in our otherwise pathetic self-seeking existence on this rolling planet, and you’ll have a credible answer.
Thank you. I also shared this with someone who needs a kind word, who stated has also helped animals.
You’re welcome 🙂 please try and keep up the good work. All else is BS
To add to what Yoges said, I am starting to see cats as a gateway animal. Please allow me to explain. So for some reason I decided to woo a feral cat into my life and home. It took about 18 months for me and this amazing creature to get truly comfortable with each other. Just about then I befriended another feral cat. Since then I have warmed to people, well at least some people, quite a bit more. I have become more accepting of myself too. Not sure how that works, but it seemed to work.