the pain and heartache. no one really cares your supposed to get over it. even if the pain and abuse and mistreatment continues no more crying no more tears life goes on, sure not like this
where did it all go so wrong. it wasn’t just one event but a build up a slow etching away of humanity and life, you take away this and I settle for that. then this and this and this and that is gone. Wait there is more to lose and I settle for that…no that is not enough this is gone too and even more…no walks in the park, no hugging your dog no gong to work and put up with the regular BS, no family to talk to, no face to recognize…. NOTHING left of value or importance, what left too look forward too
I am sick of crying every day! big people don’t cry, right? Sick of it !!! Tired of all the BS. I really want to go on with my life I really do but something is always at the heart, major issue!!!! I have thought about suicide since I was a child and being molested by both parents….took my virginity…thanks Dad. I know, no one wants to hear about sexual & mental abuse, too uncomfortable, oh well, its out there every day !!!! The stats are highly under reported and disgusting. I moved to this apartment because there is a garage and that is a really easy way to go – I think. I have also been collecting OTC allergy and cold pills. I figure combine that with a little alcohol and a little co2 should be a sure thing. I have tried a few times but never enough or backed out, and then I always think I could wind up worse with my luck. Then you hear about all these success, I can do it too!!!!!
No more tears and no more trying. Trying – what does that mean? – Trying to find a place to fit in, trying to find some peace – just a comfortable place in this life – not looking for perfection or paradise – just a comfortable place … it just doesn’t exist anymore! So why keep trying enough of the pain, enough of the hardship, enough of the harassment, threats and harm. Enough of trying.
I look back at my life and consider how did it come to this. I used to be okay, how did it change – bit by bit over 20 years – but, not now too much agony and pain for way too many years and too many scars – physical and emotional – I do not even recognize myself anymore. All I did was try – even the person who gave me life said the same – I tried do get it right and it all came crashing down. How stupid I have been and so tired to do it again…only myself to blame in the end too many bad choices.
suicide is not easy, and it is not cowardly.Â cowards may commit suicide to get out of the trouble, but for the majority its hard, scary and the final option….hopefully painless.Â I give up.Â Â I amÂ so very tired.Â Life just isn’tÂ worth fighting for any more.Â Tired of being a victim.Â No matter how I fight back I just keep loosing.Â Keep getting pushed back and down.Â Â I was sexually abused as a child….lots of therapy …..oh, I forgot, I am supposed to be a survivor. the wicked never rest and no rest for the weary.Â Â These bits and pieces may not make too much sense, but wantedÂ to put outÂ a last few words. I have considered suicideÂ intermittentlyÂ Â since I was a child.Â My childhood is many years behind me, but there is no joy to life not even any peace quiet or safety…not evenÂ for justÂ a few momentsÂ in veryÂ many years.
The every day has become so petty.Â It is such a struggle to put up the front of being “okay” with the way things are when it all seems, and often is, so meaningless.Â It takes courage to walk away from a job and security without a backup plan.Â How do I look at myself and decide what I can do that makes me feel good…maybe a long forgotten chidhood dream can be pursued.Â It seemsÂ easy to be surrounded by selfish and weak people and hard to find people supportive and caring.Â
Suicide is not easy; Although many people say that it is.Â Â It takes planning.Â It takes deep, deep pain.Â It takes a total loss of hope for tomorrow.Â There ia always the fear of not doing it right.Â What happens if it is not done right? Maybe scars, maybe living and then being compromised physically or even mentally after a failed attempt.Â It is not an easy way out.Â How do IÂ find a place, a home, a job, a school or a hobbie that fills the empty space so that there is no more room for the enormous pain?” How do I live with the scars?
I have been reading some of the stories which describe such deep pain that I wish I didn’t feel.Â I am tired of feeling.Â I am tired of being an outcast and a victim.Â My mother and my father sexually abused me as a child.Â However,Â they always appeared as the “good” churchgoing couple for the last 30 years plus. How do some people live a life of hypocrisy and crime,Â get away with it and even prosper?Â I didn’t remember the abuse until years later.Â Although, through the years there were hints, signs andÂ flashes until itÂ finally came together and I chose to deal with the past abuse andÂ accept it.Â However,Â when does being a victim and outcast end?
Â I was always considered attractive, even beautiful by some,Â until the last 2 years when injury and then age has left some unsightly scars. I was married for 7 years to a less than supportive husband.Â I left him because I believed I deserved better and I wanted to make myself better a person.Â I went back to school and then met someone worse but, I didnâ€™t see him coming.Â I was always so trusting.Â He is a monster and finally out if my life.Â I want to cry just thinking about it.Â I was still young and so naive. I could only see the â€œgoodâ€ in him as well as others and I never thought I was good enough.Â Now I know I am good enough but, now people look at me and then they look away.Â
I am so lonely.Â I tried so hard to understand.Â At work I run the #1 office consistently for six years and yet my boss, as well as others, at every opportunity undermine me and treat me unfairly.Â I promise you it is not my imagination.Â My boss even said to me it may â€œappearâ€ that you are being treated unfairly.Â WhyÂ would a company treat their #! sales person with such disrespect? Â What is it about me that people hate and that I need to change?Â I have tried to change and fight back but it does not do any good.Â
When I smile at people they look the other way or they smile and then stab me in the back.Â Â I wish I could find a place where I fit in.Â I just want some friends and someone to love.Â I am tired of hoping that things will be better.Â It never does, it only get worse. I wish I could say. â€œThank you for getting me through that, thank you for some peace, I feel goodâ€. Â Now, when I get through a crisis I simply ask, â€œWhatâ€™s next?â€™
The saying is that â€œLife Happens, good and badâ€.Â I believe that to be true.Â There are accidents, heart attacks and cancer, these things happen but, I also believe that people do intentional things that make life happen worse.