Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.
Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all that obvious to everyone. The one you try to manage and not rage on about every little detail. And then there’s the loneliness, that asks new questions: Is this really you, that’s acting like this.? Are you just making it up or is that same unresolved old thing, that you thought was over.?
I take walks after midnight and I see young adults having a fun time in restaurants or bars. They’re in groups and I just walk past them alone… Can they actually feel my sadness.? Or are they too busy having to deal with so many people to talk to.? I wish I had their life’s…
There’s so much I’m suffering with and not having anyone at least care what my day has been, really fucking hurts. Talking just makes me happy in general, I don’t know why. But yeah… Everyone has their cool story and own set of struggles and often I feel excluded.
When I tell them, what bothers me, they start an argument and it makes me feel even more alienated. When I say nothing about it, because I really try to stay on the path of acting healthy, they get mad because I don’t act accordingly and they don’t understand why… Everything I do is wrong.
I can’t stop thinking, that I don’t have to put up with my mind any longer, if I don’t want to. I could just stop. And people could finally not have to nourish my eternal hell.
Even my SP friend just said “sorry” and nothing more.
I am losing in healing and and I’m clueless how to get out of this moment right now. Only one person could’ve made all the difference. I’m sitting outside waiting for the rain to wash it all off.
Edit: I was 2 hours in the rain and now I don’t feel like a person. Nothing changed. I couldn’t figure out what my next step is and I just wanted the lightning to come my way. This isn’t living. This won’t have been the last of it. I won’t ever find happiness and someone to love me. I have dissociated and I look like a ghost.
9 comments
Well, there are people out there that don’t know what it’s like to have an illness(not sure you) and others just don’t like to listen to other people’s issues. Sometimes people can’t tell if ur sad or whatever you’re feeling. Some people hide it without even knowing it. Some people give a shoulder to cry on and others might not want to deal with others issues. Some are dealing with their own issues and some may just be really busy with stuff. If there’s any advice I could give you is that do things you favor with. Self love and finding ur happiness. People can’t make you stay happy all the time. Your true happiness resides within urself. So I would just start doing the things you love to do and do it little by little.
I appreciate your reply. Although that is the truth, I sometimes wish others weren’t so self-involved. I try to be an open ear, always. Problem is, I’m the one wanting that not the other way around.
Why are you having a hard time?
No perspective due to health issues (physical and psychological), basically I have been in pain for more than half my life and I just want it to stop. At some point, your head customizes thought patterns that are so self-destructive and no one wants to be around for that. I don’t want to be around for that either. That would be the shortest version of that.
Yeah your head does customize your thought patterns. I’m sorry about your pain. I’m deathly afraid of pain. It’s such a painfully (pun intended) grounding thing to go through. All the made up castes in the air disappear because you’re just struggling so hard to feel a very basic human nothing-but-perhaps-a-bit-hungry. Fuck whatever God made existence like this. Anyway, you don’t have to be alone because I’m here to listen whenever you need it. Also scream into a pillow. It feels real. Have a good day.
That helped to read a lot that day, so I thank you.! Pain is inevitable to us all…
Finding out no one is there for you is the worst feeling to deal with, at least for me. There is a lot I can deal with but complete loneliness isn’t one that I would wish on anyone. We all want someone to talk too and listen to us, to at least know someone cares.
It’s always bothered me when people get mad and start an argument when you try to open up to them. It’s just never made sense to me why people think getting mad at you when you tell them how miserable you feel is gonna help. But I think normies can’t really understand how we feel and that’s not there fault. But it’s tragic to me nonetheless how many people could be helped just by people listening instead of fighting. So it goes.
I am also clueless of how to stop feeling so poorly all the time. I really do think you’re right though, I think even one person could have made a difference. It’s definitely not easy finding someone to talk too, especially one that won’t judge you for how you feel. I really wish the best for you and hope you can find some sort of peace in this crazy world.
Lol yeah. I find that out time and time again but keep going back to the same fucking people. At this point in my life I just keep mum. Nobody cares how I’m doing so why open my mouth to get shit on or get ignored? Loneliness is the biggest fucking life lesson I’m learning just fucking now after making it to adulthood so fucking illusioned. I’m there for other people now. I have to be alone but the people around me don’t because I know what they need because I need it.
@Dead_not_sleeping Thank you for understanding.! Yeah, it’s weird that my friend won’t even care when I say “I might k’ll myself today”. (I don’t think they know that I’m serious…) So I am also careful nowadays, whom I share my deepest thoughts with. It won’t make it better, if they get mad at you for thinking them.