Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.
Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all that obvious to everyone. The one you try to manage and not rage on about every little detail. And then there’s the loneliness, that asks new questions: Is this really you, that’s acting like this.? Are you just making it up or is that same unresolved old thing, that you thought was over.?
I take walks after midnight and I see young adults having a fun time in restaurants or bars. They’re in groups and I just walk past them alone… Can they actually feel my sadness.? Or are they too busy having to deal with so many people to talk to.? I wish I had their life’s…
There’s so much I’m suffering with and not having anyone at least care what my day has been, really fucking hurts. Talking just makes me happy in general, I don’t know why. But yeah… Everyone has their cool story and own set of struggles and often I feel excluded.
When I tell them, what bothers me, they start an argument and it makes me feel even more alienated. When I say nothing about it, because I really try to stay on the path of acting healthy, they get mad because I don’t act accordingly and they don’t understand why… Everything I do is wrong.
I can’t stop thinking, that I don’t have to put up with my mind any longer, if I don’t want to. I could just stop. And people could finally not have to nourish my eternal hell.
Even my SP friend just said “sorry” and nothing more.
I am losing in healing and and I’m clueless how to get out of this moment right now. Only one person could’ve made all the difference. I’m sitting outside waiting for the rain to wash it all off.
Edit: I was 2 hours in the rain and now I don’t feel like a person. Nothing changed. I couldn’t figure out what my next step is and I just wanted the lightning to come my way. This isn’t living. This won’t have been the last of it. I won’t ever find happiness and someone to love me. I have dissociated and I look like a ghost.