I am a bad person. By which I mean that I want to do bad things. Really bad, fucked up stuff. And I’m pretty sure I’m not going to do those things. But the wanting, it hurts, constantly. My motivations, who I am on a very core level, are broken. The things that feel most meaningful to me are wrong. And I don’t think that’s something I can change. I can change my actions, and to some extent I have, but I can’t change what I want. I can’t change what feels meaningful to me. And that hurts, and it makes me want to not exist anymore.
And that’s not enough to overcome my fear of death, or my considerations for the impact on my family. But that leaves me stuck here, hurting. And I don’t know how to handle that, so I inevitably return to the destructive behaviours that used to bring me relief. Even though they don’t anymore. Even though now they often make the pain worse. Because I’m so desperate for an escape, and that’s all my mind has in it’s locker of short-term solutions.
So I’m a bad person. And I can’t stop being a bad person. I can act in less bad ways, but inside, I’m still the same. And I don’t want to be me anymore. I don’t want to exist like this. And it hurts. It really fucking hurts. And it’s not that I don’t deserve the pain. It’s that I don’t know how to handle it, at least not in a way that doesn’t make things worse.
11 comments
Stuck between the proverbial rock and the hard place. I understand the sense of frustration.
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
The good news is that you’re doing an excellent job controlling yourself. You say you’re a bad person internally, but it also sounds like you don’t want to be a bad person at all, and thats good.
It’s okay to have thoughts about doing fucked up things. When I feel angry enough at someone, sometimes I have daydreams about killing them. It doesn’t mean I’ll act upon those daydreams, but they are there. Most recently I daydreamed about pushing a coworker down the stairs, because I found out she had been stealing tips from me. Instead of doing that, I emailed my boss, and she was fired.
I think the best thing to do with these thoughts are not to fight them. Notice them and embrace them as they come. Accept that you have these feelings. But do not engage in ruminating over them. As soon as you say, “Oh, I’m having a fucked up thought again”, release it. How to release depends on who you are individually. Different things work for different people. Exercize, sex, and weed are the things that usually work for me.
It is normal & natural to have thoughts of doing evil things. We all do from time to time. I commend you for choosing not to keep this to yourself. Fight it.
I think for me, it’s deeper than just errant thoughts. It’s associated with positive emotions, rather than just negative ones. It’s bound up with my deepest motivations. On a fundamental level, I want to do these things. I just don’t want the consequences.
So it feels like “well shit, if I’m not going to do that, what the fuck am I doing here?” Nothing else feels meaningful. And that’s what hurts. It’s being alienated from this most fundamental part of yourself, accepting that’s it’s broken beyond repair. Why carry on, when nothing else feels meaningful? And the only answer I have is fear.
Maybe it’s possible to satisfy those urges without actually doing it. Do you have any creative outlets? Stephen King once said that if he hadn’t become a writer, then he would’ve become a serial killer. I dont know about you, but I believe him. I’m a writer myself, and I also play guitar. These outlets help me exhaust these urges.
So you wanna do fucked up things? What’s the most fucked up fantasy you can think of? In a perfect world without consequences, without limitations, what would you do? Create that fantasy, but do it in a healthy way. Get it out, satisfy your urges, and live more peacefully.
I think I do that to some extent, though I’m not sure how healthy it is. But it doesn’t really satisfy – I’m just inevitably left with the reality, which feels empty.
In other words, when you feel the urge to destroy, create something instead, using that positive energy. It will bring you farther ahead in life than the other way around.
Maybe then you’ll be rich enough to get away with fucked up things for real, lol
I think for me, it’s not so much about destruction – it’s not just from negative emotions like anger/hate. It’s more like a twisted form of positive emotions. Which in a way makes it more confusing/painful to detach from, because it kind of leaves me with nothing.
I’m so curious about what specifically your thoughts concern. I wonder if it’s a general desire for sadism, or a sexual thing, a revenge thing…it’s a shame we can’t speak about it without you exposing yourself. I’m so curious what it is you’d like to do that is causing you to feel such inner turmoil
It’s really not that interesting, more just pathetic and gross.