I’m just so tired. Life just… isn’t really worth living, is it? I mean, what is there now? Everything’s falling apart… one thing after another. It never stops. The only thing that stops are the good times. Shorter and shorter each time. I can’t understand it, and I feel so hopeless.
But… I try. That’s good, right? That’s what we’re supposed to do. Each day it’s so hard to just wake up. I don’t want to face the day and its perils. It never stops. I just don’t see the point of it. Funny enough I can’t see the point to live or even die, but I’m sick of existing here.
I run on autopilot the majority of the time. But sometimes that’s better. I get to a point where feeling and having coherent thoughts are too much – so I tend to separate from them. Not go numb, necessarily, they’re definitely still there. But I back up, I guess, until I’m able to think without having a mental breakdown.
I’ve thought about death a lot lately. How I’d go, if there is another side, what people would say/do, etc. I mainly fantasize of jumping off some tall building or cliff, although that’s slightly unlikely because of where I live. I want it to be relatively, if not completely painless. I know it’s a fuck ton more than I deserve, but in that way I am selfish, since I decided if I kill myself I would pick the easiest method.
I’m so tired. I’d probably try and sleep if it wasnt so early, and if people weren’t here. Better than staying awake. I can’t watch anything now without eating up a lot of data. My dad would be p!ssed. I don’t want him to start getting mad at me again. We’ve been alright for awhile and I don’t want to ruin it…
I just want a break. But I don’t know what from. Does that make sense? I’m just so worn down now, barely holding my sanity by a thread. I wonder if I need medication. I haven’t had any for years. Dad was heavily against it but I could never understand why. But I think it would’ve been useful… but they kept putting me on the same medicine that stopped working long beforehand anyway… which I thought was dumb, but I digress. If they’d just put me on a drug at least the feelings would be muted, probably, anyway. But maybe this is all in my head, and I’m just being dramatic, wasting everyone’s time if I were to ask for assistance like that. Because its probably not as bad as I think it is. It’s just all in my head, right?
I want somebody to care enough about me to be there and not hate me for it. Somebody to just give me a hug and tell me they love me and that I’ll get through it- or I’m alright- whatever. But I guess it’s not meant to be. I wish I could cry right now. I know that sounds strange. I feel awful right now. But not awful enough to cry? I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I know all of this is meaningless, I should just shut up and move on with my stupid life.
As of now I believe life is pointless. Nothing good comes of it. People are forced to survive by some instinct inside of them, forcing them to suffer in various ways. All sorts of torture and pain thrown at them. The people who power through are considered strong, while the rest who fell are deemed the weak ones, whether in tones of pity or mockery. It’s ridiculous. What more is there? Surely humanity was not created just to destroy itself? What point is that?
The thing is, I’m not strong enough to handle this. And I know that. I’m sure as hell not proud of it, I’d like to be a symbol of strength and wisdom. Something to be truly proud of. But I’m not. I work on perfecting my character as much as I can, but I think I’m simply too flawed. An error in the system. With errors within the error. Ideas like that hurt my brain haha.
Life is focking sh!t. It really is. And I hate it. I wish I was dead. I’d rather not see the world end in some horrific way, which I feel like I will see if I don’t get the courage to end it all. It’s a horrible feeling.
All of it’s just horrible.
It’s not worth it anymore.
I don’t want to fight it anymore.
I wish it would end.
I pray for it all just to end.
It hurts so much…
3 comments
Deciding whether or not to kill yourself is a horrible place to be in. Especially because while you’re deciding, time doesn’t stop. If you decide not to do it, then moments of your life still get wasted just thinking about it. Of course, you could always choose to harness the pain and fight, and become a symbol of strength and wisdom to yourself. That’s what I like to do. Feels a bit like “using the dark side of the force”, using negative energy to create positive results. If you decide to do it though…well, I hope you thoroughly explored all your options before going that route. It’d be a shame to quit when you had the chance all along at a good life, ya know? In any case, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain, and I sincerely hope you find relief from it soon.
the philosophy answer to what is the point is why would there need to be one? Suppose there is no greater order, no spiritual starter or judger….. suppose all there is is only this, only this paltry life. What then?
I think trying matters, but maybe you are trying too hard, or in the wrong direction. The more you unselfishly love and are kind to others, the more you get in return. It is of course wonderful when someone offers you love and support without you putting in any effort, but that’s a rarity, not the common situation
we’re all surrounded by people, and yet we think the solution is somewhere else. Learn to love the people who are around, that’s my strategy. That, substantial distractions, and drugs, oh god the drugs. Mine are prescription, but they are way more potent than anything found on the street, and much less toxic. It turns out that if you want to drift through life, unfeeling and uncaring, there’s a drug for that, and in my case it is powerful anti psychotics.
I hope you find a direction to go in. Any direction really, you could get into bird watching for example. Birds are truly a beautiful and entertaining hobby, oh and cheap unless you want to go rare bird spotting or photograph them professionally.
Comments like this one make me wish sometimes that SP had like buttons ?