first time here

I’ve been on here a few times before, but I’ve never posted. Was too scared, I guess. I still am, really. What of, I’m not sure. I can state the obvious, like, I’m here because I want to die. But I’m too much of a coward to do anything. I’ve been very close, but that’s not enough, you know? I used to talk to people about it sometimes, but they never took me seriously on it. Now I don’t, because I’ve become too burdensome for that. But I still want friends, I still want to be liked, which is why I simply don’t talk about it. The most I ever do now is make a dark joke about it, but everyone around me does that anyway, so they don’t think about it much.

I know that’s better, you know, for them. Sometimes I still have weak points. But I’ve been getting better. I can keep my mouth shut longer. Plus there’s things I could never say to them, without them hating me, finding me a disgusting piece of shit. I don’t know if I’ll make it through the school year coming up. It’s my last year in high school, meaning I have to face life quite shortly after. And I’m terrified. I guess that makes me a *****, not even having “a taste of real life” as they say. But apparently, to die is to be weak, but also you’re also weak if you want to live. It’s quite confusing, I try not to think of it much.

Youtube is a great distraction for me, I stop thinking about those things for awhile. I listen to music and pace the floors for hours, at times creating imagery in my head. I feel like it helps make it bearable, in a way, rather than just simply leaving them as thoughts. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that. I’ve done it since I was a child, and I wonder if it’ll ever go away. If I think about things for too long, I get anxious. Sometimes I have panic attacks. Every time I get nervous at all, I get sick. Very nauseous. It wears on you after awhile, you know? I’ve puked a lot in my life, haha. I have headaches that make me want to bash my head into the wall until I’m unconscious. Fun fun. But I try not to complain, I’ve done that enough.

Its hurt people. Its dragged them down, and I don’t want that to happen. I care about them deeply, but I’m total shit at showing/telling them. I’m just super awkward or a total smartass. I like making them laugh. Maybe it would do better if I were to just end it all, making it better for everyone. Sure, they might be sad. Maybe. But not like you’d think, I don’t think. I don’t think I’m significant enough to where my absence would effect their lives.

So far in this life I’ve been nothing but useless. I don’t have a job, or even a license for that matter.  As of now,  that’s because of my my eyes, while I’m not blind my vision is screwed up, and I also have an eye condition, and an eye infection to top it off. Which is another thing: the medicine/appointments/traveling has been really burdensome on my family. They don’t say anything, but one can figure it out. I just feel so awful because of it, and it really strengthens my belief that I’m just another weight on their shoulders, another burden to the world.

If I do manage to live through my senior year, I want to study for graphic design. I enjoy art a lot, I vent with it, even. I think art’s important, too. Maybe I’ll actually make something people will want to look at, before I’m dead. But maybe it’s not worth it, I don’t know. Maybe I should just end it now. Right now. I know I should be fucking dead. I’m supposed to be dead for years now. But I was too much of a fucking coward and I didn’t do it in time. I made the mistake of saying goodbye. I wanted them to know I still cared about them, that this would be the best thing for them. That I still cared about him. That I still do.

I hate life, I hate everything. Sure, that makes me a selfish self-centered edgy/bitchy teenager. But then wouldn’t you agree that it’s better for me not to be here anyway? To quit being a  piece of shit and prove what you say or whatever the hell? I don’t know man. I really don’t.

I’ve stayed up too late again. My sleep schedule is absolutely fucked, haha.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. But it doesn’t really matter, does it?