I don’t even know what to say. I feel like I’m already dead. I have no desire to live any more. I have no motivation to do anything. I want to be anything other than alive; anywhere other than here. I hate myself. I hate my life. Even my kids aren’t enough to keep me motivated any longer. I feel like I’m just barely holding on. I was sober for nearly eight years before I drank again and now I can’t even put together a week without drinking–I’ve a glass of crushed ice in the kitchen awaiting a heavy pour of bourbon from the bottle I have stashed in my truck. Last month I was in hospital on a locked ward because I couldn’t stop drinking and wanted to kill myself and here I am, still in the same fucking place. On meds. Can’t sleep. Can’t work. Want to drink. Don’t want to drink. I just lay in my bed asking the Universe to please kill me. I hear about someone dying from cancer and I think “lucky bastard.”
god, this is such an awful way to exist. I won’t say “live” because I don’t feel like I’m even alive. I feel like I’m in some strange purgatory devoid of any kind of pleasure. Food is bland. Sex isn’t interesting. Sleep doesn’t come to me or comes at inopportune times. I’m angry all the time and I just want to smash the world to pieces and burn it to bits. I can’t even cry. I’m just fucking dead inside. At this point suicide feels like a redundancy, but I think it’s the only way to end the loop I find myself in. Killing myself feels like it would be a logical step to take since I’m already dead.
for those I leave behind all I can say is I’m sorry. I feel like I was set up to fail from the beginning. My life has been a long and endless series of abuse and disappointment and, perhaps worse of all, I became the abuser in my adult life. I’ve left a trail of disappointment and hurt. I’ve done a lot of harm to myself and other people. I never really learnt how to love or be loved, opting instead to just play at human emotions and act the parts I was offered in life. I sincerely regret that my boys will have to go on without their father, but in the end I think it’s for the best. At least they won’t have to explain me to their friends or hide the ugly truth of my past.
to everyone else, what can I say. Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends.
2 comments
“I was sober for nearly eight years”
This is where you need to get back to, N1chir3n !! Yoo’ve clearly been dealt a bad hand early in life, without the security, safety and love ALL kids need when being raised, but alcohol must be off limits for us because it will always win, but without it we have a chance. You Sir, have proven you have the willpower to defeat your addictions, its a case of tuning into that hidden strength you possess.
I guarantee your boys will be beyond devastated without their father. I came very close to my final exit six years back, I know how hopeless life can feel but you are loved too much. You are NOT a bad person, you’re a good man, who carries PTSD from your past!
Escalado is right–prioritizing your sobriety would do wonders for you right now. AA is a thing, and they have them in close to every city. I dont like meetings myself, though, so I can understand not wanting to go to one. If you think you need it, rehab isn’t a bad decision either. No shame in getting help.
I’d like to point out how good it is that you’re able to think about how you think, and how you act. You say suicide is the only way to end the loop you’re in, but I promise you it isn’t. There’s always the other end of the spectrum, too–instead of killing yourself, you could choose to muster up what inner strength you have, and pour that energy into self-improvement. This is the path I’ve chosen myself, to fight for my life, to fight my way out of depression.
If you don’t know where to start, I recommend YouTubing “Keystone Habits”. Focus on developing just one or two of them (practicing Gratitude & making time for exercize, they say, are the 2 most effective ones). When you develop more positive habits, negative habits tend to naturally slip off after some time.
Also YouTube “Coach Pain”. His videos are motivational, and have helped me motivate myself to act when I didn’t want to do anything.
Good luck to you. Please choose to fight. Much respect, Much Love