(this is literally just a huge vent) i’m 14 and in 9th grade, i’ve been struggling with mental health since i was in 4th grade, i was abused physically and verbally in my childhood, everything had been shitty in my life really. in 3rd grade started watching what i ate, this didn’t last long but then once i was in 6th grade it came back, i’ve had an eating disorder ever since then and i’ve never weighed over 100 pounds, ever since i was a kid i was told how skinny i was and was constantly complimented about it, i feel like my body is one of the only reasons i’m “loved”. i was able to get by in life even with my struggle with mental health and body issues, i have almost attempted to take my life before but never actually gone through with it. but this month, august 2022 has been the worst point in my life. for context i am pretty sure i struggle with bpd, i only feel important when i am idolizing someone and they see me in a romantic sense. i had been going through a rough patch with my boyfriend and was venting about it a bit in a discord server with some people i knew, i had already told my boyfriend how i felt and we had talked it out but a while after i vented someone i knew and already wasn’t on great terms with decided to send my boyfriend what i had said (in some of the vents i vaguely said i thought about breaking up with him sometimes, i never said i actually wanted to) and basically told him i had lost feelings for him and wanted to break up with him, which was entirely untrue. he talked to me about it and we decided to go on a break, this is what started to destroy me, i felt like i had no one left, i have about 2 close irl friends and a lot of online friends but i don’t really talk to them much, i had now lost the one good thing i had in my life, my main source to keep going. even though this was a break i knew where it was going, i had one of my friends ask him how he was handling the break a day after it happened, he said he wanted to break up with me, my friend told me and it just hit like a truck. it was as if i was a piece of stone, already cracking but still holding it together, then somebody came in and hit me a bit too hard, everything came crashing down and shattered. the next day he actually broke up with me, it took me around a day of sobbing my eyes out and violent mood swings to feel slightly better, even if it was only for two days. part of me felt relieved, as if i had wanted this for a while, but then it all came crashing down again when i had to see him in person at school. my feelings for him came hurdling back and i was back to having an obsession with him, we were able to be friends, talk in class and text and just be normal again, but i put every bit of hope i had into thinking he would want me back at some point. after about a week of this i was slowly making myself believe this delusion that he regretted breaking up with me and wanted me back. obviously i was wrong because nothing ever goes right for me, he texted me one night telling me about a girl he thought was hot and told me he liked her. i felt like throwing up. i was around some people at a football game when this happened so i had to act like everything was fine and i was totally handling it, i tried playing it cool when he told me and just acted like i didn’t care. i decided to try and totally change myself into something he would like, something he would regret letting go of but it was no use, starving myself has never worked, wearing makeup doesn’t work, nothing works. by now i was grasping onto every string i could find of a chance of having someone love me, someone to put back together the shattered stone that i was. it was no use, i was able to distract myself with a useless crush on a girl who was leading me on but i slowly realized she had no interest in me, that’s when all my feelings for my ex-boyfriend came back. and now i’m here. anytime i have had a glimpse of happiness this month i’ve had it quickly taken away from me, this is why i believe that if there is a higher power, they hate me. my plan right now is to make it to the end of october and if things don’t get any better i’m going to give up.