Day 3 of being either constantly anxious leading to me being sick or depressed. Slightly paranoid probably. At least I don’t have to do anything today I guess. I’ve been worrying about everything. I’m eating less and less. And then I want to die for eating. I feel gross. Anyways. I missed my 4th day of school for an eye appointment, only to hear what I expected. Which isnt horrible I guess but it’s a long drive to talk to a doctor for 20 minutes max. I cant very well drive yet because of eye issues which is why I’m going haha. My grandparents took me. Which made me mad because I feel like my dad does nothing. He found work closer to home but hes gone all the time all the same. I feel like I’m talking to a wall when I talk to him. Although we have our moments. I still love him even though he’s probably ashamed to have such a stupid daughter as myself. I’m the oldest so I like to joke to myself that I’m the really rough draft or failed project. I feel bad for my family, but I also get really angry with them – quite often. I wish I’d be better at that. I havent been working on it as much as I could, so it’s really my own fault. All this stupid shit is my fault anyway. I’m really pathetic.
I havent heard from him in months and I’ve been worried. I try to be understanding, I know his phone was fucked up for awhile. I know his shitty parents took it away for months at a time. But hes also been in hospitals. Hes been close to being dead. It scares me. Or maybe he just got fed up with me and decided to never talk to me again. Can I really blame him? We havent seen each other in years. I guess because of my mom. Its horrible and he probably hates me or at least resents me for it. But I miss him so much. I worry about him all the time. I want him to be okay. I want to be able to talk to him. It’s even worse when I read things that sound almost exactly like him, or his situation, or even ours. If I were to tell anyone that they would say I’m an obsessive creep and sometimes I worry if that’s true. It scares me. Everything scares me. I still love him.
I need to shower but I probably won’t tonight. I don’t know if I have the energy. I know I’m gross. I think I’m gross either way though. In the end I’m pretty shitty, not worth looking at or being proud of. I’m too much of a coward to take certain risks that come in life. I know it drives my dad crazy. My mom is pretty accepting upfront but I wonder if shes disappointed in me. I do what I’m supposed to, I think. I help babysit both siblings (one of them special needs, one of them 8 and raised by our grandparents – talk about spoiled) I do whatevers asked of me with no questions or comments. I keep my mouth shut. I do my best in school, although it’s hard for me to make friends. But none of it is enough, I know. I wish I could make my family proud.
I feel sick again lol. It’s such an odd thing I feel like it washes over me, head to toe or vice versa. Since school started I’m like that on and off all the time. Then I start anticipating it which causes the feeling as well. Like, how dumb is that lol?
As for school I guess it’s fine. I dont like being around so many people, and I hate the get-to-know-you activities. I think I got out of the last day of that, thank god. I have a few classes that require a lot of talking/sharing which I’m bad at and probably incapable, and I have a science class that I didnt sign up for (it’s a smart people class, aka not me) that’ll have quite a bit of work. I get to create board games in a class but I have to share them which scares me. I don’t want to show someone something and either 1, they make fun of me or 2, they have to force themselves to be nice and try to compliment it. I’m probably overthinking it but I just dont want to do anything that will make people dislike me, or think I’m cringe or something.
I’m still tired all the time, I cant tell if I’m getting better sleep or not. I know it’s hard for me to wake up in the morning (not considering not wanting to) but I think I might be falling asleep faster? I’ve found a few things I’m trying, which is why I bring it up.
Anyways, I’m sorry to the poor soul who decides to read this – I’m really bad at writing my thoughts in a consistent and easy flowing way, so sorry for that. But thanks anyway.
1 comment
It gets better