I was making myself some PB&J and suddenly a sob escaped my throat, and it was then I realized that I was not nearly as okay as I am trying to appear with the situation vis a vis job loss. I feel betrayed, and the part of me that doesn’t want to trust anyone feels vindicated.
See, I don’t fit, or more accurately I rarely somewhat fit. I did it working for the gas company, and I did it working for the hospital, neither of those jobs exist anymore. I came as close to fitting as I ever will in undergrad, and that was just a matter of time and begrudging acceptance.
I didn’t fit in high school, or youth groups at church. Again, as close as I ever got was with Boy Scouts, but that’s only a few hours a week, it takes way less effort to fit at that.
Now I have put in all this effort to try and fit, and it appears to be coming apart. Which is why I didn’t want to try in the first place. Other people are, on average, a bad investment for me. I just want to be alone, alone as I’m allowed to be anyway. I can deal with myself, and some family, but the rest? why? more pain and a trickle of income? for how long? until they realize that I’m a freak, an outcast, NOT ONE OF THEM?!
I’m first under the bus, every time. The nearest acceptance I can get out of people who aren’t my family is grudging tolerance. The minute there is a way to kick me out, I’m out…. so why, again, should I invest in people?!
I hope the AI automates all their jobs out from under them, I hope they get to find out how superfluous and worthless they really are. The apocalypse is too good for this awful old civilization, it deserves to feel every bit of pain it causes those who it doesn’t serve. Those who serve it, beg it for acknowledgement or compensation, and instead get… THIS.,