I was making myself some PB&J and suddenly a sob escaped my throat, and it was then I realized that I was not nearly as okay as I am trying to appear with the situation vis a vis job loss. I feel betrayed, and the part of me that doesn’t want to trust anyone feels vindicated.
See, I don’t fit, or more accurately I rarely somewhat fit. I did it working for the gas company, and I did it working for the hospital, neither of those jobs exist anymore. I came as close to fitting as I ever will in undergrad, and that was just a matter of time and begrudging acceptance.
I didn’t fit in high school, or youth groups at church. Again, as close as I ever got was with Boy Scouts, but that’s only a few hours a week, it takes way less effort to fit at that.
Now I have put in all this effort to try and fit, and it appears to be coming apart. Which is why I didn’t want to try in the first place. Other people are, on average, a bad investment for me. I just want to be alone, alone as I’m allowed to be anyway. I can deal with myself, and some family, but the rest? why? more pain and a trickle of income? for how long? until they realize that I’m a freak, an outcast, NOT ONE OF THEM?!
I’m first under the bus, every time. The nearest acceptance I can get out of people who aren’t my family is grudging tolerance. The minute there is a way to kick me out, I’m out…. so why, again, should I invest in people?!
I hope the AI automates all their jobs out from under them, I hope they get to find out how superfluous and worthless they really are. The apocalypse is too good for this awful old civilization, it deserves to feel every bit of pain it causes those who it doesn’t serve. Those who serve it, beg it for acknowledgement or compensation, and instead get… THIS.,
6 comments
I hear you.
In your position I’d move to a new city and start over
You fit here. I wouldn’t worry about not fitting in. You’re smart enough to realise that most people live boring, unhappy lives and as a result have boring, unhappy things to say in conversation.
I like that one too
Hi brother, I’m sorry for everything.. I know it can be painful, that the machine tries to turn every person into a cog, and if it doesn’t fit then it outcasts him. Maybe I too am like that, maybe I too (wish to) reject the world.
Stay strong and be well! Please don’t worry about the job or the electrician boss, he’d be really afraid if you had recorded him with his permission. And well… a bad joke of mine: his nerves got electrified, that’s why he blew up 😉
Update, because I’m too tired and wrung out to write a new post; I’m officially off the project but not fired…. kind of a weird limbo I’m living in for now.
I’m going to try and figure out a new plan, everyone I’ve met in this industry is some variety of colossal jerk. Wife and I were talking about it, still in the air, but I’d prefer to just stay home and look after some kids, need kids for that, but hey.
trying to stay focused on the positives;
I have a near complete set of tools now, as well as work clothes and a working truck.
The heat finally broke, so I’m going to be getting out on my bike again soon
I’ve expanded my skill set, and that was the whole point of this job
I’ve proven to myself that I can work a 40 hour 5 day a week strenuous job and keep some sense of normalcy.
I think eventually I’ll find someone who can appreciate my work ethic and problem solving skills. It obviously isn’t the jerks I work for now. Well, mostly one jerk. The other guy wants to keep me on… or so he says.
Well, maybe it’s understandable to want to throw down your fists and say fuck it all. Maybe with time, these assholes will fairy dust back into their original boring selves and you’ll then have an opportunity to rekindle the fire that went up, I mean, me, If I’m not in the hot seat, wait for the fire to die down and then make convos, start team thinkin.
Teams always have drama to stick out.