Hi. I’m not sure how much longer I’m gonna be here. I feel like I cant even breathe anymore. The noise won’t stop, both around me and in my head. I feel like *insert method here* so fucking bad right now. Though I don’t know why that way specifically. Never thought I’d go that way. But I might. I can’t handle this anymore. They don’t listen and they don’t care. I don’t see any point in being alive right now. This is so repetitive. They all probably find me obnoxious. I don’t even know what to say. I’ve been trying to look for methods for the past 2-3 nights but so far have come to nothing of substance. I wanted something relatively easy, but that may not be possible if I don’t find anything. All I get are “dont do it” sites and/or articles of a mysterious site(s) that gave explicit instructions for it but they never say what they are. I mean of course they wouldn’t. It’d be great if I could find something, or if somebody could tell me. I don’t care anymore. I want- I need this to be over. It consumes my fucking head and yes I do try to push past it and “look at the bright side” or distract myself, just like everyone says but its yet to ever work. I just want it to end, I guess that means I have to do it myself. If I get through this last year of high school it just may be a miracle. Its exhausting and overwhelming and doesnt make anything any easier. Nights are really hard for me. I dont know why it just is, I just start thinking “you have to die die die die die die DIE DIE DIE everyone fucking hates you” and it drives me crazy and idk why I haven’t tried yet I guess I’m a coward. I think I worry about the other side. Or lack of one. Whatever. I feel so tired. It’s only like 7 here atm (I wont post this tonight) but could probably just as easily fall asleep right now as any other time.
I’ve played a psychological horror game called Doki Doki Literature Club and its became one of my favorite games. One of the characters kills herself. Shes the first one to die, actually. I always remember her saying something about the rain clouds in her head. They never go away. I think about it ’cause I feel the same way. It’s part of the reason I like the game I guess. I sometimes think of following her method but I have no way of doing so. But anyway I relate pretty heavily to it, especially in times like this. I actually kinda feel like I’m slipping. Losing it a little. No one else seems to notice so it must be in my head. Ahaha, obviously, but you get the point. Speaking of points I dont think there is one, not anymore. This is exhausting honestly. Everything just feels so shitty. So dark and cold and lonely. Suffocating. And painful. I havent actually talked to anyone in person about it for awhile now. I’m not sure I will. If I want to continue whatever vague plan of dying it wouldnt make sense to tell them. No need to make them worry anyway, you know. Those who would anyway. If anyone. Idk. A lot of time I feel like I’m not taken seriously about it. They’re just… “yeah, same, I get it, yeah I do that too ’cause x y z but I guess that’s not the same as you…” like yeah I’m fully aware. I’m plenty aware that you guys are worse off in general and you’re somehow handling it better than me. I envy them sometimes, really. I just wish I were like them. They probably think I’m just some loser who’s never had a job yet, never done anything good/right and unsuccessful. I’m not like them. Even when I do something interesting or whatever they did it years ago and are so advanced compared to me. They’re all so smart and they have talents and they’re beautiful as hell and here I am just…….. here. I guess. I’m no one interesting. I’m no one to be proud of, no one to admire, no one to want to get to know. I’m not even sure I have any good traits at all. Like at all whatsoever. I’m starting to wonder if I ever did. Like maybe my depression fucked me up or whatever but I was probably like that to begin with? I dont really know.
This fucking hurts, is all I know. And I wish I were dead and I wish it were over. I’ve always thought the best way to die would be in your sleep. No pain, just sleep. I always say I want to die in my sleep. I still do. Now I want to *insert method here* And feel it until I just feel light and then I die. I feel like I cant trust myself but at the same time like I’m too much of a coward anyway so theres nothing to worry about. I had like an attempt of an attempt once, I spit everything out and backed out of it. Early January of this year I think. I regret backing out. Granted it probably wouldnt have worked, not with what I had. I could’ve tried. I should have tried.
I’m really unsure of how long I’ll last here. Everything is crumbling. I feel like every time I speak I’m screaming into voids. But I think it all might be in my head. I dont know which is worse. I cant say anything about it either.
I wish this would end. “Stop wishing and just do it”… right? That’s what most people say I guess. I guess they’re right. Sometimes I cant wait for the day I finally toughen up and end it all. I’m not so sure why I havent yet. Oh well. I don’t have much longer.
9/10 8:35 am
I didn’t get any sleep. I don’t feel any better than I did.