If I were dead, my dad would actually have to step up and take care of his kids, instead of making his parents, and in turn me, do so. I bet he doesn’t even think about it. I wonder if he thinks about us at all when he’s gone. Or cares. I feel like a nuisance every time I talk to him. I can’t talk to him about anything – like with mental or social issues. He doesn’t care. He said it wasn’t real and I was being selfish. That was years ago.
It’s been a shitty few days. I’ve already started procrastinating on my schoolwork because it stresses me out, which leaves me more stressed out. On top of that, I’m shitty at coming up with ideas on some of my projects, and even when I do I’m too scared to show anyone. Half the time now I go through school in silence, only talking if at all the last 2 hours of the day. I get tired of initiating conversation. I understand I need to do my part, sure, but I’m just tired right now. Sometimes I wish someone would come up and talk to me instead of it always the other way around. But that’s me being selfish so… yeah. Socializing is kinda exhausting anyway.
Even if I haven’t heard from him since January, like really late January, I still think about it all the time. I try to fight it sometimes but I can’t. I miss him so much. Long distance is really fucking hard as it is. We met beforehand, but not since I moved. And now he just goes months without talking to me… I wish I knew what I did wrong. Am I a bad girlfriend? Did I complain about being depressed too much? I stopped doing that before he just stopped talking… I don’t know. I tried, I tried really hard. Maybe he’s not even okay, which is just as bad if not worse. But I’ll never know now unless he talks to me again. God I wish he would. I miss him so much.
My family is driving me insane. I wish I had a door to be able to drown their nonsense noise out. I wish I was back in Colorado, where it felt like I could breathe. That feels like so long ago now. It’s only been about a month. Time goes so slow.
Eating is becoming a pretty big issue for me. I can’t seem to stop even though I feel like shit everytime I do it. I actually skipped today only because I had no money, I had forgotten it at home. I ate when I got home. I was actually feeling hungry then. But I probably didnt need to eat. I’m not in the triple digits but I’m very very close. I was actually at 100 or so at the doctors office and I cried about it later. I start panicking if I think about the weight scale too much. If I try to restrict I always fail and end up hating myself more. I wish I were like my (used to be?) friend. She’s so tiny. She’s a little taller. She has such a small but elegant figure. I’m shorter and look stocky with wide shoulders. I bloat everytime I eat and my thighs are way too big for my nonexistent ass. I dont have any chest either. I’m certain my mom only told me eating would help get that part of me bigger simply to make me eat more. But I’ve looked like this for years. It’s quite gross looking. I cant find anything about my body that I like. Or my personality for that matter.
I’m just ranting here because I have no one else. They never even took it seriously. I’m tired and I want to be alone most of the time but I still want someone to hang out with. School’s lonely. It’s been a shitty week so far and I just want it to be over.