It is just a bunch of things on my mind
I guess I’ll just keep idling because life really isn’t for me, no-one asked to be born and we were all forced into this world whether we wanted to be here or not. doesn’t help that I’m rather broke but I have too many internal issues as it is… not necessarily something that can labelled as an ‘illness’. Why are we calling them mental illnesses anyway, because it’s like saying that WE are the problem, the actual problem here is society causing everyone to be so miserable. Try having a slightly different ‘unapproved’ opinion to someone else and you’ll just get demonized. What’s the point of even having a honest conversation when you just have to lie about what you are interested in, your hobbies and your opinions just to ‘fit in’. How many are doing this right this very minute? Oh and then people lying about their job and income because poor people are treated as worthless beings that don’t deserve a scrap of anything.
So yes I hate money but unfortunately the whole society revolves around it so we’ve got all these people discussing money and the like because as I said, people who are ‘poor’ or even seem ‘poor’ are judged.
Relationship? What’s the point? I have my mum. If you have a decent family (I mean DECENT) doesn’t it make more sense to stick around for them instead of someone who will just get tired of you or just end up judgy and end up throwing you away? Sometimes family can throw others away too. you’d probably know that humans don’t necessarily make sense and can be very unpredictable. Someone can just decide one day ‘I’m tired of you’ and then take off forever, sometimes without any kind of explanation.
But ironically here I play the Sims with my virtual boyfriend I created in there who will sadly never arise in real life. He’s cute (I’m sorry for judging on appearance, but personality is more important – oh and you might be thinking doesn’t everyone say that now?), he’s playful, he’s not judgy, he’s there for me. money is not super important to me but sadly in this world money is a requirement to live unless you take up an alternative life, which involve others’ money, I guess the only way to truly be money free is to go in the forest and fend for yourself. but who wants to do that or maybe the better question is who can handle doing that?
Also, I’m beyond exhausted, what has changed there… I spend too much time in bed… to add to everything I barely have the energy for people, it makes me sound very rude. I know. I just really feel that I don’t want to be alive, and for years I haven’t wanted to be… I’m here, I’m not going, dying can fail anyway, and that would be even more awful. I’m glad I’m in touch with my other family members, even though we aren’t on the same page but at least they are there if I want to talk, but again… people and their judgyness. I guess I’m sticking around for my elderly mum. I’m sure she’s tired of life too. But the way I wrote that sounds really bad. I’m bound to be miserable forever but we’ve got each other…
probably left out a bunch of stuff but sorry if you read all of this boring wall of text.
I utterly fail to fit in. some people are cool with it, others aren’t. It’s kind of an oh well, like being alive, oh well, what to do about it? Trying to distract myself mostly
Also, the whole “I’m not the real problem” is something I am totally on board for. As in, I made a lot of effort to try and carve out a little space where I could be me, and so far that hasn’t worked. Supposedly I have above average intellect, so if that was a desirable trait our species is failing to select for it. Money sucks, or at least the current way it is distributed sucks. Economics is supposed to be a motivation system, but right now it’s just turning people into assholes.
There is a less dramatic than go to the forest and fend for self, that’s to buy out, which is what I’m trying to do. Taxes on some land are so pathetic that almost anyone can gather enough to pay them, and that’s my plan; find cheap land, settle on it, survive apart from this broken culture. I’m uniquely equipped for it; most of my growing up years were spent learning outdoor survival skills, and my adult years have been spent gathering marketable skills
Where I differ is relationships, I’m married to someone that I love. Yes, it may be temporary, all good things have that disclaimer. It makes me feel less alone, and in a selfish way it’s good to be needed by someone else. I got a preview of what her life without me would look like these past few weeks traveling, and she’d fall apart…. between her and my animals, I have a fair amount of beings to look after, beings that couldn’t survive without me.
anyway, your wall of text was less boring than returning to my video game, which is a fair amount.