I want to sink into this bed and fade away from existence. It’s a comfortable thought. I’m weak and tired, and in the long run I truly think it would be better. Soon I will have to really become an adult and prepare for the future. It terrifies me. College sounds scary. Work. Just life in general. I feel like I already failed because I’m not on the same level as everyone else in my class yet.

I’m so tired. I already feel like dying. Hope is snuffed out every minute. It’s hopeless. I’m worthless. I wish I was something my parents could be proud of, something my partner would be able to brag about to everyone. I wish I could be a light in someone’s life, make their day better, make them laugh. Its selfish to think about, and I’m already a horrible person anyway.

What’s holding me back? Fear, I guess. Its cowardly of me. Weak. But it is what it is. I’m scared of dying, but I’m scared of living too. Its ridiculous, honestly I am ridiculous.

People talk about how fucked up the world is now, and a lot of times I wonder how much better it would be with less people, myself included, of course. I know its pretty fucked to think that way, and I dont mean to say I wish death on anyone. People bother the hell out of me, though. They scare me too, I end up staying away. I dont talk if I can help it, and when I do I usually annoy people anyway. I’m very annoying, it’s embarrassing. I’m even being annoying here. I wish I was different.

When I look in the mirror I see things. A failed project. A mediocre ugliness. A very sad and angry creature. Toxicity. All of this and more form together to create this goblin of myself. I dont look if I can avoid it. It’s simply needless pain. I feel like this life is needless pain. However I know in many ways I am privileged, I’m lucky to be able to live in a stable home with food and shelter and people who seem to care about my sisters and I. I’m lucky to have people around who put up with me the way they do, even though I’m not great. I dont go out of my way to do bad things, but I’m usually in an frustrated state and I tend to take it out on people. Yet I feel like this anyway. I think in the end it’s just because I’m a shitty person. I’m not worth being cared about, but I still try to. And I still care about people too, even if I’m easily frustrated at times. I’m depressed for no real reason and its pathetic really. Things of the past were long ago, I doubt they’ve truly effected me, they weren’t even as bad as most anyway.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and have the perfect personality. Snap them again to be beautiful. I don’t need whatever this is, shattered glass surrounded in stone. Broken, dirty glass. Sometimes I think about how long I could sleep to wake up fully healed. Not that it works that way, I guess.

I’m exhausted and I just want to sleep but I cant right now. It never seems to help. I think the only way I’d feel better is if I never woke up again.