Do you ever dissociate on your couch at night and casually talk about suicide with your friends, though usually you keep it to yourself.?
Welp, I didn’t just spend a whole hour, writing a whole monologue on the matter of the meaning of life, nooo, I did not… This is going to be awkward tomorrow, I can tell. Not sure, if 50 deleted messages are worse though, seeing as I do that a lot, when I am hurt about something or think: Eh, it’s irrelevant (in a few hours) anyway (’cause my mood is like a pendulum of shit).
I think I’ll leave it. I don’t want them to think, I’m mad at them for something. Sucks to contemplate a lot. Sucks more, to share that with people, who never had these intrusive thoughts. Should’ve turned on ASMR 4 hours ago, that would’ve saved me a crap load of dangerous thinking.
Can anyone also relate, to always needing headphones on their ears, just listening to whatever, so all hell won’t break lose.? I keep trying to explain that to others, but it seems like I’m the only one… I’m so afraid to indulge in my thoughts for too long. They’re never good somehow. I used to dive into inspiring fantasy worlds, when I felt the heaviness of existence, but now… I wonder where that went. At least it seems, I’ve always had to be afraid of something and I’ve always had the urge to cope with something.