idk why I’m here. I’m too exhausted to even try right now, but I think I have what I need to do it. I wish I could tell them how I feel right now… but idk what’s up atm, they’re probably busy with a mix of things. and I’d just be bothering them anyway… adding to the toxic piece of trash I am. I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve had a really horrible fucking week, and I dont expect this one to be any better. I should’ve done it on the day I cried like 3 times. before then, even.
the only thing I had to look forward to this weekend was being able to go to mom’s, ofc that was changed for whatever fucking reason. I texted her asking about it, and I asked her to start giving me some god damn notice before I try to get my hopes up. I havent heard from her, not that I’m very shocked. on the bright side I guess is that I didnt have to hurry up and shower because I didnt the night before and she seems to think I’m the scum of the earth. I felt like sh:t the night before, there was no way I was gonna do all that. not that it matters ’cause we didnt go. would’ve liked to have seen her.
I don’t have what I need done for tomorrow. I forgot until awhile ago. I cant really do a lot of it right now. I’ve had no motivation throughout the week to do it. I havent even drawn anything for however long. havent read either. just watch yt all day and play dumb sh:t on my phone. what’s the point in doing anything else. I find no joy in anything. it’s really hard to believe such a thing as that exists. one day soon enough I’ll stop existing. it’s a nice thought. I even fantasize about it sometimes. not like… in an attention seeking way, or whatever, but just… thinking about it can be really relieving for me I guess. I try to imagine peaceful(ish) ways of dying. I think my choice atm will be ok. it’s kinda scary too. but that’s just ms being dumb. I shouldnt be scared to die if I want to so bad. that’s stupid. everythings just do dumb right now. everything physically hurts right now and it’s sure as hell not helping anything.
my family drive me fucking insane. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. it’s not like I dont love them… I really do, but I dont want to be around them a lot anymore. my young sister, for once, acts like a piece of sh:t and nobody does anything about it. one, she walks all over our grandparents, yells and sh:t, all over everybody including me, not giving anyone space. she hits me all the god damn time. she presses up against me and never gets off. I ask over and over again for her to stop and I ask over and over for them to step in and make her stop. they dont even care. they just… got used to it? who the fuck wants to get used to that? not to mention I dont have a god damn door anymore because of her from years ago and they wanted to keep it off. no privacy ever. I’m stuck in my head. and she screams all the time and it drives me fucking crazy. it’s good motivation for me to kms. idc if it’s stupid. my dad decided years ago he was gonna let our grandparents raise us primarily, so it’s not like he really does anything with her. she knows if she acts like a brat she’ll get in trouble, but that doesnt matter when he leaves ’cause she goes back to the same sh:t. hes barely ever around. he acts like everything I say is bothersome so I’m scared to talk to him sometimes. its probably not all his fault it just makes me feel like I must be being very annoying. I get sick of having to take care of my sister when hes around (special needs sister, not the young one) because I take care of her all the time. I’ve done it for years for fucks sake. all of it makes me angry. irrationally angry, but whatever. anyway… enough of that.
it’s just part of how I’m so awful.
I don’t understand myself. I don’t know what really holds me back from doing it. I imagine a mix of cowardice and a toxic grip of wanting this pathetic life. it’s like I can’t make up my mind.
but… I could. I could grab some stuff and wait until everyone falls asleep… maybe here in my room, maybe go… somewhere. and end it. be free of here. be free of everything. free of just being a person you simply forget to talk to. I cant stand it. it’s stupid I just feel like I’m somebody people talk to when they’re bored and then they just fuck off. I hope they talk to me soon. I still miss them so much. I wont even bother them with this stuff I just wanna be able to talk…
I wanna die… I just want to fucking die and I’m gonna start crying again if I dont shut the fuck up. god I never shut up. I never ever stop fucking talking. it’s annoying as hell. if I’d just hurry up and die I wouldnt talk and annoy myself and other people to death. I’m so unlikable. what personality do I have other than just… this. kill me now please. I give up and I dont want this anymore. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. it’s nothing important. nothing.
7:51 am – I dont think they know. I’ve never been good at hiding my emotions or anything, but they havent said anything. I think I could go and end it tonight and they would never know. I wish these weren’t my waking thoughts