If it weren’t for the fact that we’re in town, at my dad’s, I think I would end it. Right now. But there’s nothing here. Maybe I could find a way. I don’t know. I have what I need at home. I could do it there.
This horrible fucking feeling.
It’s my own fault.
I am the weed in the beautiful flower garden.
Nobody to talk to. It feels like I’m suffocating. Even more so that I have to hold my breath because I’m crying. This hurts so fucking much. I feel like I’m being consumed. By these horrible feelings. The stupid thoughts that won’t go away. Realizing how horrible I really am, and how lonely I am. To the point where I feel starved for some sort of validation, to know that I can be loved. It’s my own fault. It’s not like I don’t try. I do the best I can. But it’s not enough – it’s just not.
It’s the fact that I’m expected to continue on like it’s nothing. I want a fucking break. From school, from my family, from my fucking head. For more than a few hours, or even a day. I want a break from everything. I want to cease to exist. And yet I’m still here… for whatever pathetic fucking reason.
This has to stop. I have to do it soon or I’ll just go insane. I’d rather hurt myself than the people I care about – like mentally or emotionally fucking them up if I lash out at people. I’d be one less person wasting the oxygen put on this shithole called earth. One less random nobody who has nothing to give and is overall worthless. One less person for good people to care about only for them to be hurt by it.
My dear, if I do die… and you see this… I hope you know I still love you and never stopped. I feel like no matter what I do I’m going to hurt you somehow and it kills me… I don’t even try to… or maybe I’m a crazy delusional person. Either way I’m unworthy of love.
I really really am losing my grip and my will here. My weak hope is dying. Everything inside of me is dying. I can’t do this over and over. I need to stop complaining. I need to shut up. I can’t ever seem to shut up. We had a substitute who knows me, and I couldn’t shut up for 5-10 minutes and I think people at my table thought I was being annoying – the way they fucking looked at me. I skipped art club because I couldn’t be looked at by anyone anymore because I’m too horrible and they all probably already know and that may be why they don’t talk to me. I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Please let me die, just let me curl up and shrivel up and die.
This is a waste of time. I should be dead.
What am I doing? Why am I still here anyway?
This is all my own fault. Someone mentioned ‘putting the monster down’ and very soon I will be putting it down.
I just need to toughen up and do it.
I’m so tired. I feel like I’m choking but I don’t even know what to cough up at this point. I’m nothing. My heart and soul are nothing. Everything is nothing. Everything and nothing is horrible. This fucking existence.
4 comments
I read the last post you made too, and I think I was in a similar situation to you before. Which is about two years ago. It gets better. I promise it does.
You’re not a goblin, for sure. Maybe you’re a weed in a beautiful garden, but dandelions are weeds and I don’t know many people who don’t like dandelions.
You’re not unworthy of love either. No one is. Either way, don’t you think that the one you love will be hurt if you end it?
Honestly, most things are a waste of time because everything is fake. So fake… the world always seemed plastic to me.
But it’s good to write things down, and it’s good to cry. You should keep doing that, it’s probably the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
I wanna say this is the nicest thing I’ve heard in a while so… thank you. I really appreciate the fact that you said any of this. I’m… sure that it would hurt them if I were to end it. But it’s just hard for me to believe. Mainly I think I’d be doing them a favor. Anyway, as for the fake shyt I agree. And funny enough I’ve wrote and cried today. It’s been a really crappy day. I hope yours went okay.
i love crying. crying is beautiful and messy and ugly and wonderful and hard and violently cathartic in so many ways.
Loves a strong word for me personally… but yeah, I agree with that. I’ve been doing it for like, 4 days now? Lmao.