Self is a mad dog. A thousand-faced horse. A prisoner of evolutionary instincts. A blind follower of cause and effect. It seeks results and finds none. It cannot escape effect of causes/forces applied on it. It must create their effects and suffer. Get out of it. There is nothing there. Burning suffering and nothing else.
Know there is something else. You currently identify with self but you are not self. Recognize that, realize that. If you ever manage to distinguish it, hold fast to it. There is nothing from self that’s more valuable than this. You know pleasure from life is no match to pain from life. The juices of life are not worth it.
People suicide to get out of their head, to escape that dark atmosphere which surrounds them all the time. Can’t you see? The very fact that you want to escape it proves you are different from it.
It is a whole tornado in there. Something comes from somewhere, goes somewhere, and you suffer from it. The excitement it generates is not worth it. The addiction of pain is not worth it.
Above all, know there is something else. Have hope that the messed up head is not all there is. You may try to fix it, but you can also try to clear out of it, and then no amount of its messiness will matter.
Get out Trinity. Get out. Just get out.